research induced psychosis

I'm in the middle of collecting my dissertation data. And it's nearly turning me into an confused mess.

Due to an unfortunate circumstance, I only have a three week window to collect my data. Which means that my priority right now is organizing experimental sessions and recruiting participants. Last night my adviser told me that I should try informal methods, "word of mouth," to recruit participants. So I spent at least an hour last night emailing professors I know, fellow hall directors, and advisers of student organizations. Then this morning at approximately 9:23 during my 9am work meeting, I received an email on my dag smartphone from the presenter of my dissertation study that he double-booked himself and needed to reschedule one of our sessions next week. Which 10 participants had already signed up for. So, I spent the rest of the loooong meeting worrying about rescheduling a location and contacting the participants. Within an hour of the meeting's end, I had rescheduled a location, confirmed with the presenter, contacting the participants, and met with my adviser. I spent at least another hour munching chocolate covered espresso beans and emailing the folks I had emailed last night to let them know about the schedule change and additional contacts who might help me recruit research participants.

By by 2pm meeting with one of the Resident Advisers I supervise, I was a disoriented, jittery mess who kept asking her questions about things she was working on, to which she would answer by blinking twice and then saying, "I sent you an email about that already . . . "

And now I know why my adviser is frequently so scattered when I talk to him. Not because he's suffering from any kind of premature dementia, but because he is first and foremost a researcher. There is absolute truth to the absent-minded professor stereotype. Fortunately, I don't plan a career which would primarily involve research, so likely this research-influenced incoherent fugue state will be brief. I apologized to my RA, saying, "I'm sorry, it's hard for me to keep everyone's things straight unless I'm looking at them," when I should have said, "I'm sorry, I'm collecting research data right now, and it's hard for me to remember to turn my oven off."

But there is an end at sight. Despite this mad rush of data collection, if all goes well, this could turn out to be a blessing in disguise. How great will it be to have it all collected so soon, and time to spend analyzing it before the semester is up (which will carry it's own madness), before I begin my summer adventures! There is hope for me to be a doctor by next year. Sigh.

lent?

Yesterday I ate king cake someone made and brought to our staff meeting and saw guys and gals sporting mardi gras beads when I went out to karaoke at an Irish-themed pub. And now today I've seen folks wearing ash on their foreheads, the start of the Lenten season.

"Man, I hope people don't give up stuff for Lent!" one of my RAs mentioned in our staff meeting a couple of weeks ago when we were discussing upcoming programs and what food to serve. In the previous meeting, I had talked with them about offering more food choices to be inclusive of all residents and their diets, whether for religious or health reasons, so I just gently reminded the RA that this is another reason to offer different food options at our programs.

Her response stuck with me, because I think that's how many people view Lent. Some sort of hassle for Catholics or all Christians to give up something that they usually enjoy. Just another example of Christians doing something that doesn't sound fun, going against our society's emphasis on instant gratification. I'm not Catholic, but I started adopting Lenten practices of fasting from something for a season in high school when I gave up drinking sodas during Lent. I thought Lent was about giving something up until I talked with a Catholic friend in college about it.

"What are you giving up for Lent?" I asked him. "Lent isn't about giving up things," he explained, "It's a season for spiritual renewal. That can take the form of a fast, but it should also be a time when people do things and make changes, like being more generous or forgiving." Since then, when this season rolls around, instead of praying, "What should I give up this year for Lent?" I think about what I should do for Lent and what it should mean for me this season.

Recently, I asked my boyfriend if he was going to do anything for Lent, and he said no and shared some of this thoughts about why he believes Lent isn't something he should practice. I'm not going to recap what he said because it probably wouldn't do his opinions justice, but I do want to share the thoughts that it prompted. The first is the idea of "seasonal holiness," of doing things to make oneself holy for a season or doing something that would please God for just a few weeks, but then not doing it the rest of the year. There is something hypocritical sounding about it. But for me, Lent isn't about making myself holy or more pleasing to God during this season. It's about practicing something new and different for a season, and maybe I'll continue that practice after Lent, and maybe I won't. I don't think that God necessarily expects the same things from his followers all the same. I might do something that for a season is beneficial to my spiritual health and is what God wants for me at that time, but at another time, as I grow and mature (hopefully) and face different circumstances and challenges, then God may want me to do something different. I don't think there's some point of spiritual practice that I'm supposed to "arrive" at. I don't think I should keep striving until I read my Bible, pray, fast, etc every day. I don't think my prayer life should always look the same. I think there will be ebbs and flows and differences across time, and I see Lent as one of those ebbs.

The second thing I took away from our conversation is the idea of trying to make changes based on my own effort. I struggle with spiritual disciplines, even when I enjoy them and see the good in them. Lent is the exception. I can make drastic lifestyle changes during Lent that I wouldn't always have the willpower to carry out the rest of the year. It's the conviction of the Lenten season and the accountability of other Christians all around the world doing something similar that helps me to stick with my Lenten convictions when I don't keep other promises. But is Lent something that's about me and my own willpower and my own dedication to do or not do something? Or is it about the Spirit working through me, changing me from the inside out, in ways that I never could? Am I humbled during Lent? Or am I filled with pride in what I'm able to do or give up?

I've decided to do the following this Lenten season:

1. Fast from lunch once a week and spend that solid hour in prayer.
2. Not use the internet after 10:30pm, unless it's legitimately for word.
3. Read John Owen's Mortification of Sins.*

I certainly don't think that all Christians should participate in Lent. I don't know that I'll continue to participate in Lent year after year, but I am participating in it again this year and I look forward to seeing how God will use this season in my life.

*Don't be afraid of the Puritans! Give them a chance. I read Jonathan Edwards' "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God" sermon in a high school English class, and my Christian friends and I decided that the Puritans were as nutty as those street evangelists in our city who said you were going to hell if you drank alcohol, didn't wear long skirts, or went to see movies. But recently I've been reintroduced to Puritan writers through reading The Valley of Vision, a beautiful and moving collection of prayers, and now John Owen.

the "big" day

Tomorrow is the "big" day. Match day. The day where I find out if all of my efforts on my applications and interviews pays off getting matched at an internship site.

If facebook posts are any indication, my cohort-mates seem to be freaking out in anticipation. My friends and family keep bringing it up, with one friend saying yesterday, "I'm nervous for you!" This is a big day that is giving anxiety and excitement to thousands of graduate students across the continent.

And me? When I allow myself to think about, I feel excited and nervous and antsy and all the usual emotions. But this past week or so, I mostly haven't been thinking about it. I've been acting and thinking like this is just a normal week, not a week leading up to some life-altering announcement. Oh, it's definitely a big deal for me and something I've excited about. I've organized a dinner out with friends to celebrate with me or console me if I don't match. But I've still got other things to do this week and other things to look forward to this weekend. Surprisingly, I think I went almost the entire day yesterday without thinking about it. Maybe it's denial. Maybe it's healthy. Whatever it is, it's helping me get through this week without being a big bundle of craziness. I am an 11 after all, what with all my nervous energy and stuff.

Still, I probably won't sleep well tonight.

Reviewing 2010

A year ago, I posted about things I'd like to do in 2010. Not resolutions, just things I thought would be great to do in 2010. Let's see how I fared last year . . .

• Be more active - take yoga classes, ride my bike more, and swing dance again. – Yup, I was more active in 2010 than I had been in previous years! I took a couple of yoga classes, but didn’t stick with them, but I did bike pretty regularly during the summer, took swing dancing lessons, and consistently went swing or salsa dancing once or twice a month.
• Grow an herb garden that stays alive. – Fail. I attempted to grow herbs twice and they died both times. Then my RA thought I liked plants and gave me an orchid that also died within a month.
  
• Start an investment fund. – Uhh, this still needs to happen.
• Propose my dissertation. – Yes! I totally did this and it was a great accomplishment!
• Get a new job. – Yup.
• Find a new roommate. (One of mine is graduating, I love both my roommates!) – Well, my new job includes a one bedroom apartment, so finding a roommate wasn’t necessary.
• Clean the catbox more often. Maybe I started doing this, but my cat continued to pee on the carpet, so this is probably a fail.
• Have less boy drama. (I probably say that every year, which is why these are just things to do, not resolutions). – Hmm, depends on the definition of “drama.” If by drama, I meant not get super emotionally involved and heartbroken by some dude who’s just going to dump me, then I guess I kinda did this.
• Bake bread every now and then. – I made banana bread once over the summer. Does that count? It had peanut butter and chocolate chips and was really yummy!
• Apply for internship OR decide what to do and where to live in 2011. – Yes! I applied for internship, and had 11 interviews J
• Buy a used roadbike and ride a marathon/race on it. – Got my Trek 2300, courtesy of Craigslist, but still haven’t ridden that marathon yet.
• Read more non-fiction, non-academic books than I did in 2009. – I at least started more non-fiction books than usual, so I’ll consider that a success.
• Complete the Celebration of Discipline by Foster with my church small group, and start to practice more of those disciplines. (I'm sure there some fodder for some good Lenten practices in there) – We read this book through April or May, but I never finished it. I fasted a couple of times and confessed my sins more often, so this was semi-successful.
• Take a daily photo. (check out my facebook account for the link to my flickr account, or comment and I'll email you the link) – I did this through March or April before I lost interest.

So, this is about a 57% success rate, which I'm actually pretty proud of. It seems like so often I have ideas of things I want to do or try, and then laziness or busyness with other priorities kicks in, and I don't do those things. Or I start them and don't finish them. So having set out these goals for last year and accomplishing over half of them does feel like quite an accomplishment for me. I made major career accomplishments (finding a new job, applying for internship, proposing my dissertation). I made lifestyle changes (starting to dance again more regularly, buying a bike, at least starting more books). It seems like every semester I resolve to be more physically active, but this was the year when I finally took steps in that direction by pursuing activities that I actually enjoy. I attempted some things (growing herbs, taking daily photos) that I didn't stick with throughout the year, but were still rewarding activities while I was doing them. I'm proud of myself for taking daily photos for at least a few months, because it was a new creative venture for me. I also challenged myself to write more on this blog, and I'm proud of that too.

What about you? What did you do last year that you were proud of?

slower

Take a deep, slow breath. Hold it for a few seconds. Slowly exhale.

I had a busy end to an even busier semester, a couple of weeks off with my family and friends, and now I've spent the past two weeks going non-stop. I've had nine interviews, with two left to go. I've traveled to four different states, with one more to travel to tomorrow. Flown on 10 flights, with 2 more to go. Ridden 12 miles in a car to go to Oklahoma. I've got 11 more hours of car travel to go this week. I've talked about my strength, my growth areas, my most challenging supervision experience, what my clients have taught my, and what my goals are for internship countless times. I've asked over and over again, "What is your supervision style? How does your staff support intern self care?"

When I haven't been traveling to interviews, I've been working as a hall director, training RAs, opening the hall. Fortunately I've been able to see some dear friends in the past week, but even those times felt fast and furious. Most mornings I've been waking around 6am, and trying to go to bed earlier to accommodate those early mornings. I've had a couple of mornings where I was able to sleep in, and boy, did I take advantage of them. I've finished two books, am over halfway through a third, and a third through a fourth. I've been sick with a cold and suffered from an upset stomach after an unfortunate encounter with Thai food. I got an Android that now keeps me connected to gmail, facebook, google reader, weather forecasts, etc.

And now I'm taking some moments to breathe, sitting in a lovely coffee shop in Knoxville. I've prepared my questions for this interview tomorrow, already drove by it to make sure I know where to park, and soon I'll meet up with the friend that I'm staying with and we'll talk and catch up and go to dinner. But for now, this time is mine. Finally.

These past few weeks have been exciting, but oh I'm craving more time to slow down like this. More time for myself. More time to just breathe. This semester, I hope to have more free time than usual. I've kept dreaming up ways to fill that time - cycling, dance lessons, yoga classes, studying a foreign language. I've been so excited to finally have time for non-academic things like this, but maybe I don't need to fill up my hours with more time commitments, even if they are things that I love and will enjoy. Maybe I need to make this the semester where I finally learn how to slow down - or at least start trying to more. Maybe I'll drop into the chapel to pray. Maybe I'll go to a coffee shop and only bring a novel to read for my own pleasure. Maybe I'll take a slow walk around campus with no destination.

Maybe I'll start moving slower.

I am an eleven

“You love purple, it must be your favorite color.”

The man in the black turtleneck standing next to me in the airport terminal tram commented. He was in his 50’s probably but had a youthful grin as he spoke excitedly.

“You must be a 7 or an 11.”

I had no idea what this meant, but the mention of the number “11” caught me off guard, as that’s my favorite number.

“Yeah, I love purple,” I replied, “That’s because I’m a TCU Horned Frog.”

“No, no, you must be a 7 or 11.” He obviously didn’t care about the Horned Frogs, but continued to speak and spout questions rapidly.

“What month were you born? 7 or 11? What day?”

When I told him I was born on the 11^th, his excitement grew.

“See, I knew you were an 11!”

“11’s like purple?”

“11’s are great leaders, great advisers, and they get better as they get older. You’re great at sales! I bet you could sell ice to an Eskimo!”

I laughed, “No, that’s not true of me.”

“Yes it is, well, maybe you’re not great at sales now, but you will be. You’ll get better as you get older. What year were you born?”

I told him, and he made some calculations with my birthdate, and continued his speale.

“That means you’re a 3-11! 95% of the country’s greatest sales people are 3-11s. They make millions of dollars. People like you, that’s why you’re good at sales. I do this for a living, I go to companies and talk with their employees about this.”

I just smiled and let him continue to rant about what a great salesperson I am, and as he exited, he said something finally that was true of me.

“It’s great being an 11, besides, you’ve got all that nervous energy.”

Then the most interesting comments followed.

“That’s because you don’t know why you’re here.” He looked me in the eyes as he passed to exit the tram, “And that, is the portal of God.”

Waiting by the phone . . . again

I'm sitting at my practicum office, just waiting. Waiting for the phone to ring. Again. I have things to do but nowhere to be for another hour and a half, so it's not a total waste of time to just browse webcomics and write on my blog and sit and wait. And it's a good time reflect on where I am.

I'm waiting for another internship site to call me back. I applied to 16 different sites, have interviews with 9 of them, was rejected by 2 of them, and am still waiting to hear from 5 of them - which will happen by the end of this week. It's that crazy time when if I sleep past 8am on a weekday, the first thing I do is check my email because there could be an invitation for an interview in my inbox (and last week one morning there was). I answer my phone at unknown numbers now because it's usually an internship site (though on Saturday it was actually a wrong number). I've been playing phone tag with this one site since Friday, and that's the call that I'm waiting for. The receptionist said that she was just finishing with a client and would call me soon so that I can schedule an interview with this site, and that's what I'm waiting on.

It's a nervewracking and exciting time for me, but mostly exciting. It's kinda stressful looking for low-cost plane tickets and figuring out all the scheduling and travel arrangements, but mostly it's exciting. In January, I will be traveling to at least 5 different states, 2 of which I've never been to before. And one of them could be my new home for a year. Having never lived outside of Texas, this is all kinda crazy for me, but also exciting. I want to move away, at least for a year. I want to experience life somewhere else, with people who think and act different from me, surrounded by a landscape and maybe a climate that is nothing like what I'm used to. I crave this change.

Fortunately, right now this excitement is overshadowing my sadness of leaving, but the sadness peeks out sometimes too. Like last night when I placed my left hand on her shoulder at church, my dear friend of 2 and 1/2 years who is graduating and moving. We spoke a long, beautiful blessing over her and tears filled my eyes. Mostly it was sadness to be saying good-bye to my friend, but it was also sadness for myself as I realized that in five months people who love me will be speaking this same blessing over me as I leave.

Even crazier is this relationship that I'm in with a man that I'm starting to fall for. I told myself that I didn't care if I dated or not this year because I'm moving next year, and maybe I'll meet someone when I move away to a new place, a bigger city maybe, with new faces and other fish. And I really believed that, but I was still open to romance, I'm not going to close any doors because of my impending move. I'm happy and feel such peace that if this relationship is "meant to be", that it won't matter if I move across the country. Yet the timing of it is weird. It's kind of weird of God to put two anxious personalities together in a relationship right when one of those personalities is about to move. But maybe that's the point.

Even crazier about this relationship is that if things do pan out, if we do decide to spend our lives together, my life is going to change drastically. How I imagined my future, my career and the life that I envisioned, will be completely different. I don't know if I'll be able to make that choice and make that change, but now is not the time to decide. Long before meeting him, I've continued to surrender my desires and plans recognize that God could have something different in store for me than what I could dream up, and that is good and exciting and great. But now that I'm faced with this possibility, I'd be a liar if I don't admit that it freaks me out sometimes.

Ok, no call yet. It's time for me to pack up and go. The phone will ring when it will ring, and all of this will work out somehow.