Symbols

This morning, as I slipped four thin pink and gold metallic bangles over my left hand, I instantly remembered Britt's recent visit and us going to eat at the Hindu temple in Dallas, where I bought these bangles. I miss Britt and I don't know when I'll see her again, but in a simple way, the bangles brought back fond memories of her and represent the connection we share, though we live in different states.

As I was walking to work, I realized that head to toe, everything I'm wearing represents a relationship I have or a significant event in my life. My flip flops were given to me by my dad and stepmom, my shorts were bought with a giftcard my mom gave me, and she helped me pick them out too. My underwear was bought when I was shopping with Heather, and my bra was bought with a giftcard from my stepsister. The scarf I'm wearing as a belt was given to me by a former roommate. (Scarf belts are a signature look of mine, by the way. I have an entire draw full of scarves for this purpose) The purse I'm carrying was given to me by my friend Meredith. My class ring was another gift from my mother, and it represents my college experience and the success of earning my first degree. I'm literally wearing all of these relationships, that have enriched my life physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Even the things that I bought for myself hold symbolic meaning for me. I bought my floppy hat to feel carefree and happy. I'm wearing the shirt that I wore at my interview for A&M; this very shirt on my body now came with me as I first visited this department and began to make the decision to come here. The ring I'm wearing on my right hand I bought about a month ago specifically to be symbolic. It's a silver ring, with three spirals in it. I feel like I'm coming out of a hard season in my life, and I bought this ring to represent that though I may feel confused, things may seem crazy and out of control, that's not the case. God is with me through all of this and is empowering me to handle anything that may come my way. I can handle ze craziness of life.

I'm a sentimental person, that's for sure. I easily become attached to things that I attach meaning to. I don't think it's good to be overly attached to material possessions, but as symbols, they can be quite meaningful. A couple of months ago, I dropped and broke this glass ring that I had bought in Venice. I cried when it broke, and later decided that I would ask my friend going to Italy this summer to buy me another one. Within a few days, I realized that I didn't need to replace it. It was just a thing, not a devastating loss, and I have many other things to remind me of my special time in Europe. I bought it because it was pretty, but didn't wear it a whole lot because it was purple and didn't match everything. As I'm writing this, I realized that I wear the silver ring I bought a month ago on the same finger that I would sometimes wear the Venice ring. At the time, I didn't think of buying the silver ring as a replacement. It may not be from an exotic locale, but I think I prefer the new ring on this finger to the previous one.

So, what about you? Do you own any symbolic possessions that are special to you?

the twelve

About 9 years ago, a tragic accident occurred at my university, resulting in the deaths of twelve students. One of those students had been valedictorian of my high school. Though I never knew him personally, I knew his brother and others who were close to him. Watching the news coverage of the accident in my freshmen speech class was an experience as surreal and emotionally charged for my high school as was watching the second plane crash into the tower two years later in my statistics course. There's a memorial built near the accident site honoring the twelve students. I've visited it twice with each of my parents, once in the daytime and once at night. It's a beautifully designed memorial and a moving experience to read about the lives of the twelve and see their faces etched in stone. If you ever come visit, I'll take you there if you like.

This memorial is also near my parking lot, and today when I drove by I noticed an unusually large crowd entering the site and a school bus parked nearby. I suppose this was a school field trip which made me wonder: What's the educational purpose of this field trip? There are many valuable lessons to be learned from visiting this memorial: honoring those who have fallen, the transience of life, and the necessity to create something meaningful out of our lives. However, these all seem a bit too existential to fall within the normal realm of public school education. I do think I had some AP English courses that touched upon these themes, and perhaps the students were from an English course, and will soon be turning in compositions based on what they experienced. Or perhaps it was a history course, and this field trip was something akin to visiting the Vietnam War Memorial in DC. You know, I automatically assumed that the students were from a local school, but I never was able to see what the side of the school bus said. Perhaps they were actually from one of the high schools attended by one of the twelve and had driven in from somewhere near Houston or Austin. If this was the case, then perhaps no lesson was being contrived from this experience - they were simply paying homage to an alumnus. Whether they were directly connected to one of the twelve or not, I'm glad that many experience this memorial.

kum ba ya or something

A week ago, I attended the last class of my first semester of graduate school. After we completed our presentations, our professor gathered us in a circle. She told us how she always likes to do a closing activity with each of her classes, as well as when closing with one of her clients. She likes these closing "ceremonies" because it helps her and others to say good-bye and gives all an opportunity to reflect on the meaning of the experience. She asked us to hold hands, and then said that others in our department joked that the "counseling psychology professors want movable furniture so we can hold hands in a circle and sing kum-ba-ya." We laughed, but were all relieved that she never asked us to sing. Instead, we each briefly commented on what we had learned from this course, and our professor gave us a longer reflection of what she thought of our class.

Like this professor, I also appreciate closing ceremonies. Having just written about saying good-bye, it dawned on me, "Good-byes are important to me!" I once said something to the effect of, "I don't believe in good-byes," but I think what I really meant was, "Good-byes aren't permanent." As I've recently transitioned and moved, I really haven't made a big deal out of saying good-bye since I truly believe that each of these good-bye will eventually be followed with another hello. I do believe in good-byes, though I sometimes downplay them, good-byes are important to me. I love the opportunity to reflect on the meaning of an experience or a relationship. I crave meaning.

Goodness, sometimes I'm the queen of closure. Frequently after a break-up, I'll write a long letter to the former boyfriend, because there's always something to say and some question that I want answered. They usually thoughtfully respond, and this closure helps. But what I most love to hear is, "You were meaningful to me. Though we didn't work out, you have touched my life in a special way and it was meaningful." And that's what I want to say when I say good-bye to anyone, "You were meaningful to me. Though we're parting now, you have touched my life in a special way and it was meaningful. God be with you until we meet again."

But sometimes you don't say this. Sometimes you just borrow each other's DVDs and say something awkward like, "See you in January, or not," laughing and smiling. Whether meaning is overtly expressed, or good-byes are downplayed, something is shared between two or more in these closings.

God be with you, until we meet again.

meaning

I think one reason that I like good books and movies is because everything has meaning. Every little detail, somehow contributes to the plot, character, or setting development. A character knocks over a glass at a restaurant, spilling the drink and breaking it. It wasn't accidental - that action means something. It tells you something about the character, or their state of mind, adds a comic or tragic effect, or foreshadows another event to come.

However, in real life, things aren't that way. Accidents happen, random events. Your best friend kicks the table, knocking over her martini glass on Valentine's evening, the drink spills over the table, and the glass makes a clean break. As the waiter acts understanding and she looks ashamed and apologetic, you want to say something, "Oh, so that's what you think of Valentine's day." But you keep quiet, because such a statement seems inappropriate. Attempting to add meaning and depth to an accident is simply absurd. Perhaps she was stressed from work this evening, no, this could have happened any night, it could have happened to you. Stop trying to give it meaning. This is life. Glasses break, cardinals hit windows, and all it means is that it happened. A broken glass is a broken glass, nothing more, nothing less.