buh?

So, the interview that was supposed to be this afternoon, is actually next week. Huh? I really thought that we scheduled it for today. I'm disappointed because I was all riled up and ready to go out there. I'm even wearing my lucky underwear. Oh well, I can do laundry, now I get a whole 'nother week to be nervous, and at least I found out before I made the 2 hour round trip. Now I get to go to stats class this afternoon, wheeeee! So, please pray for my interview next week, and the other application, and other sites where I may apply.

In other news, I have made two important decisions about my future:

1. I will not cut my hair more than a couple of inches at a time before August 2009. Reason being: I will be in three weddings next year, and I want to be immortalized as long-haired and beautiful in other people's wedding albums.
2. I will return to Europe before May 2011. Reason being: Eurail passes become more expensive once I turn 26, so I should take advantage of these deals while I'm young and adventurous and carefree (hah!).

It feels good to take a firm stance on these decisions, but I wish I had more direction and guidance in other areas of my life to make definite plans or take a firm stand. You know, politics, research ideas, dissertations topic, just little stuff like that.

youth and the illusion of maturity

I spent some time this evening chatting with a 17 year old high school senior, or rather, being questioned curiously by her. She's applying to colleges, wants to go to a small private school, wants to study psychology or maybe education, but isn't sure if she wants to stay in state or go back to the east coast where she lived the first 16 years of her life.

She asked me all sorts of things about TCU, A&M, psychology, professors, Fort Worth, my decision of where to go to college. The most interesting was her asking if college was harder than high school, and me explaining how college and high school are different. Then she wanted to know how grad school was different from college, and is it hard. She was an engaging young woman, and I enjoyed our conversation. It really doesn't feel like it was that long ago when I was in her shoes, making the same decision of where to spend four (but wound up being 3 1/2) years of my life.

After the conversation wrapped up, I was struck by how in spite of her eloquence and intelligence, how young she seemed. How inexperienced, how unexposed, how naive. Talking about college with her almost seemed ridiculous - how can a seventeen year old make a decision like that? How does a seventeen year old know whether she wants to stay in state or move away, when she doesn't even know much about the field of psychology which she claims she wants to study, when she didn't even know that the fields of school psychology or organizational psychology existed? And then it hit me - this was exactly where I was six years ago when I was trying to make that decision. How the hell did I make a decision like that at that age? I didn't even know what organizational psychology was at the age of 17 either!

In six years when I'm 29, a licensed psychologist (cross my fingers), will I look back at the current me and wonder, "How the hell did a 23 year old make those decisions? How did she know what she was doing?" My mom always has lots to say about people in their mid-twenties, how we don't mean to be, but we're very stuck on ourselves. I really don't know whether to believe it or not, and won't know for a few more years. Sometimes I feel so young, but most of the time, I feel like I'm just where I need to be. But that scares me, because I don't remember feeling young when I was 17.

hair, not the musical

I'm getting my hair cut in about two weeks, and considering cutting 4-6 inches off. For the past four years, I've been growing my hair out and with the exception of one haircut, and adding bands or layers, have never done more than trim the split ends at the salon.

I'm proud of my accomplishment and I like the idea of long hair, but I wonder if I'm just growing my hair out just because I can, and not because it's what looks best on me. I never want to be one of those women with long hair that refuses to cut it just because they're so attached to their hair that it's traumatizing to part with it. If you've ever watched a few episodes of What Not to Wear or other makeover shows, then you probably know the woman that I'm describing.

I like my long hair, but the last few inches of my straight, thin locks tend to get wavy unless I use a straightener, which I only do maybe if I'm going out, or hoping to impress someone, or am just bored. And with my hair being so thin, a shorter style could give it more body. Let's break it down more:

Pros to cutting hair:
1. More body.
2. Straightener needed less.
3. Less tangles.
4. Less blow-drying time needed.
5. More professional look?

Cons to cutting hair:
1. Change in look.
2. Letting go of a 4 year goal.
3. Mmmm, yeah, change is the only real con.

Ok, so what are your thoughts? Make the plunge and go shorter? Or keep going and growing?

The Toyota Sleep-o-Matic

I often have trouble falling asleep. Even in elementary school, I'd lay in bed for what seemed like hours (probably not), tossing and turning, trying to grasp that elusive unconscious state. I've tried many things, and some work some nights (relaxation techniques, cool rag on my eyes, warm milk, forcing my mind into dreamlike hallucinations, counting backwards from 100, making myself cry, listening to soothing music or a soothing voice of a book on tape, just staying up so late that I completely crash, etc), but there's one thing that works without fail - riding in a car. As long as it's somewhat quiet, any time of day, I can easily fall asleep in the backseat of a car. Now, someone please invent a bed that makes the same motions and sounds as a car!

The rest of the College Station visit went well. The stress did come, but I'm feeling better about things. There are lots of silly stories from it that I want to share, but I'm rather tired right now. And hopefully next time I post I'll have made a decision and I'll have some news about where I'll be living soon! In the meantime, please pray that things will all work out. I've found some places closer to campus that I really like, but it all depends on if roommates pan out. So far, all my roommate leads are becoming dead ends. Living in the friend of a friend's house has become my second choice, but still a really good option. Pray that if I've meant to live in one of these places that are more of a first choice for me right now, that roommates will work out. If I'm meant to live in C's house, please pray that I'll feel more at peace about it. I know that whatever happens, it's in God's hands and He'll work things out better than I could. And even if things don't work out perfectly, I can always find something else for next year.

Also, my friend Anton is currently filming in London (lucky) and has just posted a pitch video for his series, "The Great Commission." Check it, yo!



I promise, it's up there. Just click the box!

hail all, hail

Yesterday morning at work, I noticed a customer’s credit card had a New Mexico Lobos logo on it.

“Oh, New Mexico, are they in the Mountain West conference?”
He gave me a funny look before he answering. Maybe he thought I was trying to memorize his credit card number. Like I could do that, maybe if I were Cara.
“Yes, I believe they are.”
“I thought that sounded familiar. My Alma mater plays them.”

It has not even been a month, and the words just rolled right off my tongue. “Alma mater.” No correcting myself, no stammering, and I did not even have to think about it. There it was. When I first graduated, people kept asking me if I felt very different. I usually replied, “No, not yet, it just feels like I’m on Christmas break again. I’m sure in January when everyone else starts going back to school it’ll really start to hit me.” My prediction was correct.

Some of you had asked me to keep you updated on my poetry entries. A few weeks ago I received an email basically saying, “Thanks for your submission, but this is not what we’re looking for this year.” It was mildly disappointing (maybe a 2 or 3 on a scale of 1-10), but mostly I’m just thankful that I tried something and took a risk.

However, I just let go of another risk I was planning on taking. I was going to apply to graduate school at NYU. I knew it was a long shot – they accept only about 3 a year in the program I’m applying to and most of them already have their masters. But I knew if I were accepted, I’d go there in a heartbeat. This past weekend, I was working more on my application when I discovered in a PDF file a recommendation form that I was supposed to give my recommenders. Months ago, when I was acquiring recommendation letters from professors and supervisors, I scoured the websites of the schools for the specific forms they were to use. Some schools had forms, others just wanted a general letter. I never found a form on NYU’s website, so I just asked my recommenders to write me letters. This discouraged me, but I decided I would wait until Monday and call and find out if my letters were acceptable. On Monday, in that same PDF file, I came across a listing of four reasons why they would rarely invite sometime to interview, and 4 reasons why they would invite someone for an interview. Three of the four negative reasons applied to me. The first two reasons demonstrated that I am not the kind of student that NYU looks for. The final reason showed me that NYU is not the sort of the program that I’m looking for – my career goals contradict what they want from their graduates. It was because of this final reason that I have decided not to apply.

I think this was a wise decision that was made from pure motives. I did not do it because I was insecure and was afraid of taking a risk; I just realized all around, it was not right for me. I just hope I don’t regret it later. I never had my hopes up, I never expected to be admitted if I had applied, but I felt it was just a leap I needed to take, just to see what would happen. Now, I think I know what would have happened. Just to apply, I would have had to alter completely my dreams and goals. For what? To go to a top rated school? To live in New York for a few years? If my heart is really set on living there, I can move to New York after I graduate.

I have several posts rolling around in my head, and I plan on posting more often – as time allows. Sadly, I haven’t written any poetry in a while. When I was writing poetry, it usually just came to me or was something I felt compelled to turn to when going through a difficult situation. I want to continue writing poetry, but I also don’t want to push it. Oye vey. Any suggestions? Also, I have noticed in my verbal story-telling, I have a tendency to give lots of details when I probably could just summarize and tell a more effective account. Did I do that in this blog? In that big long paragraph up there, could I have just summarized generally, or did the details add to the tale? I enjoy writing, but I don’t want to just write for the sake of writing. I want to write when I actually have something to say.