A few days ago, I spent the evening with a group of friends. There was much laughter, as a friend sculpted a butter cat, we all sniffed the lavender handsoap, the guys confessed their love for Julie Andrews as Maria in The Sound of Music, we tried to guess one another's middle names, and answered random Loaded Questions cards that led to disclosures about the embarrassing things we own.
We also discussed various ways to interpret the Old Testament, talked about why we were Liberal, or Republican, or Libertarian, whether or not our country needs the Federal Reserve, and what is the true nature of the Christian gospel and how do we treat those Christians who profess belief in a different gospel version.
I left that evening absolutely invigorated by both the frequent tear-inducing laughter and the depth of our theological and political conversations. I thought about how rare it must be to experience those two different types of interactions throughout hours of discussion, but then I realized that such a dichotomy is false because the two share the same origins.
Both are facilitated by the abandonment of pretense and judgement, the comfort with oneself that allows for complete openness, and the true acceptance of others the embraces both their utter silliness and their complete honesty in sharing their opinions about weighty matters. Both the light-hearted and the weighty matters spring from the same spirit of authenticity, and when the two are freely shared, the light-hearted utterances are given more weight as they represent the freedom to be and the weighty matters become lighter as we are allowed to laugh at ourselves and question our beliefs even while expressing deeply held convictions.
I crave more times like these, times when I can engage with others both in our utter absurdity and profundity.
Showing posts with label conversation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conversation. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Monday, July 28, 2008
sex, drugs, and b f skinner
The other night, I found myself in a bar, drinking a pint of Blue Moon, chatting with a drummer. He started explaining to me why he loves playing music as much as he does.
"There's just nothing like the high you get from playing good music, when you and the other band members are really on, and the crowd is really into it, you just get that great high, you know? But it's not always there, you don't always get that high, sometimes you're on and you get it, and sometimes you don't. You can always get a high from drugs or good sex, but the high from playing music, you don't know when you're gonna get it or not, so you keep on playing." Sipping beer, "Not that I do a lot of drugs or anything."
You have no idea how hard it was for me to not respond, "That's because you're being rewarded on a variable ratio schedule*, which is the most powerful schedule of behavioral reinforcement. Sex and drugs are reinforcing on a continuous schedule, meaning that you will always get that same high from those activities. But the fact that you sometimes get the high from playing music and sometimes you don't, and the unpredictability of receiving that high, causes you to continue to play music, each time hoping that you will receive that pleasurable high." Sipping beer, "This is a fascinating example of the operant paradigm at work." Throwing back a shot, "It's science, man." (Ok, I don't actually take shots, it just seemed like a good dramatic flourish for this story.)
People like me should not be allowed in bars.
*Note: This is probably why I'm addicted to the internet.
"There's just nothing like the high you get from playing good music, when you and the other band members are really on, and the crowd is really into it, you just get that great high, you know? But it's not always there, you don't always get that high, sometimes you're on and you get it, and sometimes you don't. You can always get a high from drugs or good sex, but the high from playing music, you don't know when you're gonna get it or not, so you keep on playing." Sipping beer, "Not that I do a lot of drugs or anything."
You have no idea how hard it was for me to not respond, "That's because you're being rewarded on a variable ratio schedule*, which is the most powerful schedule of behavioral reinforcement. Sex and drugs are reinforcing on a continuous schedule, meaning that you will always get that same high from those activities. But the fact that you sometimes get the high from playing music and sometimes you don't, and the unpredictability of receiving that high, causes you to continue to play music, each time hoping that you will receive that pleasurable high." Sipping beer, "This is a fascinating example of the operant paradigm at work." Throwing back a shot, "It's science, man." (Ok, I don't actually take shots, it just seemed like a good dramatic flourish for this story.)
People like me should not be allowed in bars.
*Note: This is probably why I'm addicted to the internet.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
cappucinos and Kierkegaard, in which our heroine falls for a philosophizing fellow
Once again, Cara said this was good blogging material, so here goes . . .
This past April, on the heels of a breakup, a new guy, erm man, actually, moved into town and started working at the coffee shop that I frequent. At the sight of his baby blue eyes behind those black plastic-rimmed glasses, paired with a big bright smile, I knew that I had to find out more about this pearl-snap wearing hipster. Turns out this hipster-looking dude is also a huge nerd, trying to get into a doctorate program here to study philosophy. We talked a little Freud, existentialism, Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, and theology, and I was licking my intellectual-loving lips. Could it be? An intellectual who writes papers and smokes cigars who actually has a personality and sense of humor and fashion sense and loves Jesus and plays Guitar Hero, and he's working at my coffee shop? How could I not be swooning?
Fortunately for my poor confused heart at the time, I didn't see him again until June, but I still remembered the impression that he made on me. Over the past month, we've continued to have more conversations, mostly about philosophy, theology, religion, or psychology, but also about coffee, music, movies, fashion, the fourth of july, television, education, and sometimes about things from our personal life, our family, or friends. I learned that he was living on his sister's couch, frequently awoken by his two year old niece, and is waiting to find his own place until he gets officially accepted into this doctoral program. I learned that he has a younger brother who was previously a meth addict, whom he cared for over several years, starting when he was 23, which quickly matured him. In this same conversation, I learned that he was significantly older than I realized, when he mentioned that he just moved here from living in Abilene for 12 years, where he spent "almost a third," of his life. I learned that his parents were divorced when he told me that his dad and stepmom came to visit for the fourth of July.
Most of the time, these conversations occurred with him on the other side of the counter, but often he would come approach me at my table where I sat and studied, and twice he sat down with me before or after his shift and talked to me for almost an hour. Mostly he talked about his latest philosophical revelation and I questioned and listened and tried to relate it to my experiences. Not gonna lie, a lot of it went over my head, and a lot of the conversations were rather one sided, but he would get so happy and animated about these things, that I just got sucked right in. One time during one of these conversations, his sister came up and I met her.
We soon built a friendly rapport with one another, and frequently joked and made one another laugh. I wasn't getting strong signals of interest from him, but occasionally he would do things that could border on flirtation, like last week when he came over to my couch, complimented my shirt, made me origami out of a napkin, which made me laugh, then returned to his counter saying, "Well, if you have any questions about Heidegger, you know where to find me!" Friendly? Very. Flirty? Meh, possibly. A few of my friends observed our interactions together, and agreed that he was very friendly with me, possibly flirty, possibly interested in me, but maybe just being friendly.
I was crushing on him, but definitely had my reservations. The biggest problem I had was how much he talks about his own ideas versus how little he asks me about my life and my thoughts. Not only was this a sign that he wasn't interested in me, but also not a quality that I admire nor want in a relationship. Because of this, I had a hard time actually picturing myself in a relationship with him, but crushes can be pleasant distractions, and I was enjoying the attention, so I continued the interactions, with several prayers throughout.
This past Friday, I was planning on going to a concert on Saturday, but hadn't found anyone to go with me yet. I'd told several friends about it, so he was discussing a concert, so I told him about it and asked if he wanted to go. "Actually," he replied, "I sort of have a concert of my own Saturday evening." "Oh really?" "Yeah, my sister just got the Aerosmith version of Guitar Hero, so she's having some friends over, and it's my duty to unlock all of the songs for them." That was it, and I was frustrated. Does he not realize that I had just asked him out? The cute smart blond customer who he's been talking and laughing with for the past month just asked him to go to a concert, and it didn't even phase him? Believe it or not, but it takes a lot for me to ask a guy to do something with me. I always prefer the man to make the first move, but based on a recent conversation with a friend, I decided that it was ok to make the first move, if he picked up the ball and ran with it. If he didn't grab the ball, then I'd know that he either wasn't interested or wasn't worth bothering with. I decided that I better accept what I'd felt all along in my gut - he really just isn't interested in me as more than a customer to chat with. He doesn't like me, he just likes having someone to talk with. But throughout the weekend, he was there when I arrived, and we continued having nice, fun, interesting conversations, and his friendliness continued, and the crushing continued.
Last night I arrived to work on a paper, and he was there, as friendly as ever, "Hey, I have to tell you something that I realized today!" and he began discussing Fear and Trembling across the cash register. At the end of his thoughts, smile stretching ear to ear, he stated, "I'm so glad I could share that with you!" I just laughed and said, "Yeah, I can tell that you really love this and really enjoy these conversations, you're in the right field for you!" A little later in the evening, I told him more about the case presentation I was working on, and we hypothesized a little about one of my clients. Some Mormon missionaries came in, and he told me that they witnessed to him. "Oh, are you converted now?" I asked. "No, I decided I don't want to have more than one wife." "Me neither. Actually, I don't want to have a wife at all." He laughed, "Yeah, I was wondering." "Actually, I wouldn't mind having a wife, someone to do my cooking and cleaning for me would be nice." "Yeah, it seems that in my relationships, we've always joked that I was the wife because I wound up doing most of the cooking and cleaning." My classmate Keisha came in, and sat at a table next to me, "How are things with the cowboy?" (He sometimes wears a straw cowboy hat). "Oh, I don't know, we've still been chatting, but I asked him to go to this concert, but he had other plans." "Did he tell you what those plans were?" "Yeah." "Well, that's better than just saying, 'Oh, I have plans,' and being vague about it. I say you ask him to hang out one more time, and if he doesn't respond well, that's it, you drop him." Yes mam.
The shop closes at 11, and around 10:20 I walked out the door to go grab a book from my car. He was having a conversation with another guy, but he stopped to ask me, "Are you leaving?" "No, not yet, I've just got to grab something from my car." "Ok, good. You're not allowed to leave yet. I won't let you." I smiled, "I'm just going to get a big scary book called the DSM-IV-TR." "Oh yeah, I've read it." "You've read it?" Why would anyone but a mental health professional read the diagnostic and statistical of mental disorders? This confused me, but in no way did I anticipate his response, "Yeah, my wife was a psychology major."
My wife. Was a psychology major. I can think of dozens of things he could have said that would have shocked me less than that statement. "I was committed to a psychiatric ward once," "I'm a convicted felon," "I think I'm gay," "I sacrifice lambs," or "Let's have a threesome," would have shocked me less. "My wife." I wonder if I looked like a deer in headlights. He continued talking but I didn't hear a word he said because my thoughts were spinning. He has a wife. No wedding ring. Sleeps on his sister's couch. Never mentioned her. He has a wife. I finally snapped out of the whirlwind of cognitions to ask, "So, your wife was a psych major, what does she do now?" "Actually, haha, she works at Wal-Mart. That's what happens when you switch from psychology to English without finishing either."
I soon found myself outside, trying to process all of this. All of our conversations, and no mention of the wife until now? There would be plenty of appropriate times for him to have mentioned it. "Oh, you study counseling psychology. My wife studied psychology." "Yeah, it seems that in my relationships, we've always joked that I was the wife because I wound up doing most of the cooking and cleaning. Now my wife and I take turns cleaning." "Yes, I had a great Fourth of July! I stayed here, but my dad and stepmom came down to visit. My wife had the day off too." "So, I can't come to the concert, I actually have other plans. My wife and I are playing Guitar Hero with my sister and her friends." "Yeah, this band plays there every Thursday night. It's also ladies' night, which means that ladies get in free. My wife loves it when she can get in free." "No, the Mormons didn't convert me, I've got one wife and that's enough for me!" "I can't wait to have my own place, have my own privacy again so I can throw wild parties and have wild sex with my wife." Ok, that last one wasn't such appropriate coffee shop talk, but you get the picture.
I paced around the parking lot, feeling a disappointed, but mostly shocked, confused, and angry. Have I just been stupid, completely misreading him? Did I bring this upon myself? Was he leading me on? Why didn't the little bugger tell me he was married? Why doesn't he wear a ring? Why has he been so friendly toward me? I texted Keisha. She was shocked, I wanted to say something to him, but she assured me this was a bad idea. I finally went back inside, and sat next to Keisha, who told me, "That is wack! This dude is really suspect. Even when you walked out, he was checking you up and down!" "I don't know, this is crazy, but I used to work at a coffee shop, and all the time guys would mistake my friendliness for something else. Maybe that's what I've done. I've just misinterpretted him. He's just friendly to his customers, and I took it too far." "No, listen, he's friendly to me, ok? But he's really friendly with you. He doesn't come over here and have little chats with me." And sure enough, he soon came over, and wanted to look at my DSM. He thumbed through it, and told me a story about how his wife had diagnosed a character from a novel, though he couldn't remember the diagnosis. When he first walked up, I wished he would walk away, but there he started, smiling, telling his story, and I got into it and wanted to listen to him. It was nauseating. After he left, Keisha started off again, "See? He has a wife and he does not need to be coming over here."
This was so distracting, I left soon afterward. I said by to him and the other dude behind the counter. "Alright," he told, "You can leave now, I wasn't going to let you leave before 10:45." Part of me thought that was really cute, but a bigger part of me was screaming, "You perv!" So, this is weird. I definitely don't have a crush on him anymore, and I'm not even that sad or disappointed, more just confused, feel stupid, and feel really annoyed at him. I definitely need to change my interactions with him, and probably should stay away from this coffee shop for a little while. When I do return, I can talk to him at the counter, but that's it. No more wandering over to the counter to continue our conversations, and if he comes to my table, I can ask him about his wife or something. Boundaries need to be set up, if not for him, definitely for me.
I can be appropriately friendly with married men, but only when I know the boundaries in my head and in my heart. The owner of this coffee shop is married, but I knew this from the beginning, and I know his wife too, so we talk, we laugh, he invited me to go see the Dark Knight with them, but none of this is weird because I knew all along that he was married. He is attractive, but I've never once felt attracted to him because knowing that he was married created boundaries for me. I think about and act differently toward men that I assume to be single than toward men that I know to be married. But when a married man presents himself as single, or at least doesn't present himself as married, I treated him like a single man, which involved being attracted to him and flirting with him. Ugh, the whole thing just leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
So there we go, another little glimpse inside my romantic universe that some of my friends like to live vicariously through (why? it's so weird in this section of the cosmos!). Apparently I'm no better at judging the relationship status of men than I am at judging their ages. Worst crush ever? Yes. Worse than crushing on an ex-boyfriend, or crushing on an ex-boyfriend's best friend or roommate, or crushing on the boy that then tells me he wants to date my best friend, or crushing on the pot-smoking atheist in my high school stats class, or crushing on the skater guy who dropped out of a college and has family issues, who also probably smoked weed. Crushing on the married 30-something year old tops them all. And because it's probably my worst crush ever, and because Cara told me that this would be good blog material, and that it would help me feel better about things, I've just written a ridiculously long post about it. I feel like my blog could become some sort of Sex and the City-esque column. Minus the sex, unfortunately. I hope you found this entertaining, because in the midst of the weirdness of it all, I find myself very entertained at the absurdity. I hope you don't think I'm a silly pathetic girl, because I kind of am, but I sure don't want to be. I hope you feel annoyed at this dude and want to grab his adorable plastic-framed glasses, and smash them between his copies of Time and Being and What Would Jesus Deconstruct, and then pour espresso all over the mess, and then run over it with his ugly truck with the "Don't Mess with Texas" bumper sticker on the back window, because I sorta do, but I'd rather someone else do it for me.
This past April, on the heels of a breakup, a new guy, erm man, actually, moved into town and started working at the coffee shop that I frequent. At the sight of his baby blue eyes behind those black plastic-rimmed glasses, paired with a big bright smile, I knew that I had to find out more about this pearl-snap wearing hipster. Turns out this hipster-looking dude is also a huge nerd, trying to get into a doctorate program here to study philosophy. We talked a little Freud, existentialism, Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, and theology, and I was licking my intellectual-loving lips. Could it be? An intellectual who writes papers and smokes cigars who actually has a personality and sense of humor and fashion sense and loves Jesus and plays Guitar Hero, and he's working at my coffee shop? How could I not be swooning?
Fortunately for my poor confused heart at the time, I didn't see him again until June, but I still remembered the impression that he made on me. Over the past month, we've continued to have more conversations, mostly about philosophy, theology, religion, or psychology, but also about coffee, music, movies, fashion, the fourth of july, television, education, and sometimes about things from our personal life, our family, or friends. I learned that he was living on his sister's couch, frequently awoken by his two year old niece, and is waiting to find his own place until he gets officially accepted into this doctoral program. I learned that he has a younger brother who was previously a meth addict, whom he cared for over several years, starting when he was 23, which quickly matured him. In this same conversation, I learned that he was significantly older than I realized, when he mentioned that he just moved here from living in Abilene for 12 years, where he spent "almost a third," of his life. I learned that his parents were divorced when he told me that his dad and stepmom came to visit for the fourth of July.
Most of the time, these conversations occurred with him on the other side of the counter, but often he would come approach me at my table where I sat and studied, and twice he sat down with me before or after his shift and talked to me for almost an hour. Mostly he talked about his latest philosophical revelation and I questioned and listened and tried to relate it to my experiences. Not gonna lie, a lot of it went over my head, and a lot of the conversations were rather one sided, but he would get so happy and animated about these things, that I just got sucked right in. One time during one of these conversations, his sister came up and I met her.
We soon built a friendly rapport with one another, and frequently joked and made one another laugh. I wasn't getting strong signals of interest from him, but occasionally he would do things that could border on flirtation, like last week when he came over to my couch, complimented my shirt, made me origami out of a napkin, which made me laugh, then returned to his counter saying, "Well, if you have any questions about Heidegger, you know where to find me!" Friendly? Very. Flirty? Meh, possibly. A few of my friends observed our interactions together, and agreed that he was very friendly with me, possibly flirty, possibly interested in me, but maybe just being friendly.
I was crushing on him, but definitely had my reservations. The biggest problem I had was how much he talks about his own ideas versus how little he asks me about my life and my thoughts. Not only was this a sign that he wasn't interested in me, but also not a quality that I admire nor want in a relationship. Because of this, I had a hard time actually picturing myself in a relationship with him, but crushes can be pleasant distractions, and I was enjoying the attention, so I continued the interactions, with several prayers throughout.
This past Friday, I was planning on going to a concert on Saturday, but hadn't found anyone to go with me yet. I'd told several friends about it, so he was discussing a concert, so I told him about it and asked if he wanted to go. "Actually," he replied, "I sort of have a concert of my own Saturday evening." "Oh really?" "Yeah, my sister just got the Aerosmith version of Guitar Hero, so she's having some friends over, and it's my duty to unlock all of the songs for them." That was it, and I was frustrated. Does he not realize that I had just asked him out? The cute smart blond customer who he's been talking and laughing with for the past month just asked him to go to a concert, and it didn't even phase him? Believe it or not, but it takes a lot for me to ask a guy to do something with me. I always prefer the man to make the first move, but based on a recent conversation with a friend, I decided that it was ok to make the first move, if he picked up the ball and ran with it. If he didn't grab the ball, then I'd know that he either wasn't interested or wasn't worth bothering with. I decided that I better accept what I'd felt all along in my gut - he really just isn't interested in me as more than a customer to chat with. He doesn't like me, he just likes having someone to talk with. But throughout the weekend, he was there when I arrived, and we continued having nice, fun, interesting conversations, and his friendliness continued, and the crushing continued.
Last night I arrived to work on a paper, and he was there, as friendly as ever, "Hey, I have to tell you something that I realized today!" and he began discussing Fear and Trembling across the cash register. At the end of his thoughts, smile stretching ear to ear, he stated, "I'm so glad I could share that with you!" I just laughed and said, "Yeah, I can tell that you really love this and really enjoy these conversations, you're in the right field for you!" A little later in the evening, I told him more about the case presentation I was working on, and we hypothesized a little about one of my clients. Some Mormon missionaries came in, and he told me that they witnessed to him. "Oh, are you converted now?" I asked. "No, I decided I don't want to have more than one wife." "Me neither. Actually, I don't want to have a wife at all." He laughed, "Yeah, I was wondering." "Actually, I wouldn't mind having a wife, someone to do my cooking and cleaning for me would be nice." "Yeah, it seems that in my relationships, we've always joked that I was the wife because I wound up doing most of the cooking and cleaning." My classmate Keisha came in, and sat at a table next to me, "How are things with the cowboy?" (He sometimes wears a straw cowboy hat). "Oh, I don't know, we've still been chatting, but I asked him to go to this concert, but he had other plans." "Did he tell you what those plans were?" "Yeah." "Well, that's better than just saying, 'Oh, I have plans,' and being vague about it. I say you ask him to hang out one more time, and if he doesn't respond well, that's it, you drop him." Yes mam.
The shop closes at 11, and around 10:20 I walked out the door to go grab a book from my car. He was having a conversation with another guy, but he stopped to ask me, "Are you leaving?" "No, not yet, I've just got to grab something from my car." "Ok, good. You're not allowed to leave yet. I won't let you." I smiled, "I'm just going to get a big scary book called the DSM-IV-TR." "Oh yeah, I've read it." "You've read it?" Why would anyone but a mental health professional read the diagnostic and statistical of mental disorders? This confused me, but in no way did I anticipate his response, "Yeah, my wife was a psychology major."
My wife. Was a psychology major. I can think of dozens of things he could have said that would have shocked me less than that statement. "I was committed to a psychiatric ward once," "I'm a convicted felon," "I think I'm gay," "I sacrifice lambs," or "Let's have a threesome," would have shocked me less. "My wife." I wonder if I looked like a deer in headlights. He continued talking but I didn't hear a word he said because my thoughts were spinning. He has a wife. No wedding ring. Sleeps on his sister's couch. Never mentioned her. He has a wife. I finally snapped out of the whirlwind of cognitions to ask, "So, your wife was a psych major, what does she do now?" "Actually, haha, she works at Wal-Mart. That's what happens when you switch from psychology to English without finishing either."
I soon found myself outside, trying to process all of this. All of our conversations, and no mention of the wife until now? There would be plenty of appropriate times for him to have mentioned it. "Oh, you study counseling psychology. My wife studied psychology." "Yeah, it seems that in my relationships, we've always joked that I was the wife because I wound up doing most of the cooking and cleaning. Now my wife and I take turns cleaning." "Yes, I had a great Fourth of July! I stayed here, but my dad and stepmom came down to visit. My wife had the day off too." "So, I can't come to the concert, I actually have other plans. My wife and I are playing Guitar Hero with my sister and her friends." "Yeah, this band plays there every Thursday night. It's also ladies' night, which means that ladies get in free. My wife loves it when she can get in free." "No, the Mormons didn't convert me, I've got one wife and that's enough for me!" "I can't wait to have my own place, have my own privacy again so I can throw wild parties and have wild sex with my wife." Ok, that last one wasn't such appropriate coffee shop talk, but you get the picture.
I paced around the parking lot, feeling a disappointed, but mostly shocked, confused, and angry. Have I just been stupid, completely misreading him? Did I bring this upon myself? Was he leading me on? Why didn't the little bugger tell me he was married? Why doesn't he wear a ring? Why has he been so friendly toward me? I texted Keisha. She was shocked, I wanted to say something to him, but she assured me this was a bad idea. I finally went back inside, and sat next to Keisha, who told me, "That is wack! This dude is really suspect. Even when you walked out, he was checking you up and down!" "I don't know, this is crazy, but I used to work at a coffee shop, and all the time guys would mistake my friendliness for something else. Maybe that's what I've done. I've just misinterpretted him. He's just friendly to his customers, and I took it too far." "No, listen, he's friendly to me, ok? But he's really friendly with you. He doesn't come over here and have little chats with me." And sure enough, he soon came over, and wanted to look at my DSM. He thumbed through it, and told me a story about how his wife had diagnosed a character from a novel, though he couldn't remember the diagnosis. When he first walked up, I wished he would walk away, but there he started, smiling, telling his story, and I got into it and wanted to listen to him. It was nauseating. After he left, Keisha started off again, "See? He has a wife and he does not need to be coming over here."
This was so distracting, I left soon afterward. I said by to him and the other dude behind the counter. "Alright," he told, "You can leave now, I wasn't going to let you leave before 10:45." Part of me thought that was really cute, but a bigger part of me was screaming, "You perv!" So, this is weird. I definitely don't have a crush on him anymore, and I'm not even that sad or disappointed, more just confused, feel stupid, and feel really annoyed at him. I definitely need to change my interactions with him, and probably should stay away from this coffee shop for a little while. When I do return, I can talk to him at the counter, but that's it. No more wandering over to the counter to continue our conversations, and if he comes to my table, I can ask him about his wife or something. Boundaries need to be set up, if not for him, definitely for me.
I can be appropriately friendly with married men, but only when I know the boundaries in my head and in my heart. The owner of this coffee shop is married, but I knew this from the beginning, and I know his wife too, so we talk, we laugh, he invited me to go see the Dark Knight with them, but none of this is weird because I knew all along that he was married. He is attractive, but I've never once felt attracted to him because knowing that he was married created boundaries for me. I think about and act differently toward men that I assume to be single than toward men that I know to be married. But when a married man presents himself as single, or at least doesn't present himself as married, I treated him like a single man, which involved being attracted to him and flirting with him. Ugh, the whole thing just leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
So there we go, another little glimpse inside my romantic universe that some of my friends like to live vicariously through (why? it's so weird in this section of the cosmos!). Apparently I'm no better at judging the relationship status of men than I am at judging their ages. Worst crush ever? Yes. Worse than crushing on an ex-boyfriend, or crushing on an ex-boyfriend's best friend or roommate, or crushing on the boy that then tells me he wants to date my best friend, or crushing on the pot-smoking atheist in my high school stats class, or crushing on the skater guy who dropped out of a college and has family issues, who also probably smoked weed. Crushing on the married 30-something year old tops them all. And because it's probably my worst crush ever, and because Cara told me that this would be good blog material, and that it would help me feel better about things, I've just written a ridiculously long post about it. I feel like my blog could become some sort of Sex and the City-esque column. Minus the sex, unfortunately. I hope you found this entertaining, because in the midst of the weirdness of it all, I find myself very entertained at the absurdity. I hope you don't think I'm a silly pathetic girl, because I kind of am, but I sure don't want to be. I hope you feel annoyed at this dude and want to grab his adorable plastic-framed glasses, and smash them between his copies of Time and Being and What Would Jesus Deconstruct, and then pour espresso all over the mess, and then run over it with his ugly truck with the "Don't Mess with Texas" bumper sticker on the back window, because I sorta do, but I'd rather someone else do it for me.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
No Matter What Kind of Pickle: Mac MacGuff from Juno
Note: There is strong language in these film quotes. This is for the Dads in Media Blogathon, hosted by RC of Strange Culture. Also, for new readers, I'm a counseling psychology student currently taking a family therapy course, so don't be surprised if parts of this blog sound like a psychological case study :) This wasn't my intention, but it just leaks out. I hope you enjoy my perspectives.
Honestly, 2007 wasn't such a bad year for fathers in film. At least, in my favorite films of the year. We had Dan in Real Life, a delightful romantic comedy starring Steve Carrell as a widower with three daughters trying to figure out how to balance fatherhood with a new potential love relationship.
Bill Hodnett portrays Glen Hansard's father in the film Once. It's not much of a part, but here's a working class dad who initially seems disinterested in his son's great musical talent, but there's a touching scene near the end of the film when he listens to his son's demo tape.
Guy: [song finishes] Well, what do you think? Do you like it? It's just a demo, you know...
Guy's Dad: It's fucking brilliant.
Guy: Really?
Guy's Dad: Fantastic stuff. That'll be a hit, no question.
Honestly, I think as viewers, we were just as shocked as the son to hear his father's assessment of the demo. As the scene continues, the proud father gives his son money and encourages him to go to Dublin to pursue his dreams. Now, here's a father who likely doesn't say "I love you," often and initially appeared somewhat disengaged, but underneath, he loves his son and is proud of his accomplishments. He may not be the ideal model of a father, but he displays his genuine love and support for his son through his actions.
One of my favorite portrayals of a father from 2007 films was Mac Macguff, played by J.K. Simmons, in Juno. Fathering teenagers is challenging. When daughters reach adolescence, it's common for fathers to detach themselves to a degree. The developing sexuality of a young woman is confusing and threatening to fathers. While young daughters can crawl up on father's knee and father can tickle and wrestle his little girl, these behaviors change when the girl hits puberty. No longer is this style of physical affection appropriate between an adolescent and her father, forcing fathers to renegotiate their interactions with their daughters. Unfortunately this can be a difficult and confusing task, so some fathers will disengage from showing love and affection to their daughter. But in the film Juno, we have a father who has successfully renegotiated his relationship with his teenage daughter, and remains engaged in her life.
Here's another working class father who, as the picture suggests, is a little rough around the edges. But despite his gruffness, this father truly has a heart of gold. There's a endearing innocence to his uncultured nature, made apparent in his interactions with the ultra-polished Vanessa. When she asks the family, "Have you ever felt like you had a special purpose in life?" his quick response is, "Yes, heating and air-conditioning." Whether it's naivety or self-confidence, Mac has a natural ease about him and never pretends to be something he's not.
Mac MacGuff: Whats that thing?
Vanessa Loring: It's a Pilates machine.
Mac MacGuff: What do you make with it?
Vanessa Loring: Oh you don't make anything with it, its for exercise.
Mac MacGuff: Oh. My wife ordered one of those Tony Little Gazelles off the television... I don't know about that guy. He doesn't look right.
And sometimes, he's just that dorky dad who says the things that a teenage daughter would never want her friends to hear.
Mac MacGuff: Hey there, big puffy version of Junebug!
Despite how he's sometimes portrayed as the lame, bumbling father, MacGuff is by no means incompetent in his role as a father to Juno. He's protective, caring, and actively engaged with his teenage daughter, which is displayed in two key scenes. The first is the revelation of Juno's pregnancy. When Juno tells him and his wife of her pregnancy, MacGuff's initial reaction is shock then wanting details. His reaction to the news of the father's identity seems typical for the uncensored, genuine Mac Macguff.
Juno MacGuff: I'm Pregnant.
Bren: Oh, God.
Juno MacGuff: But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And and what ah 30 or odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.
Mac MacGuff: You're pregnant?
Juno MacGuff: I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since like Wednesday... morning.
Bren: I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
Juno MacGuff: I, uh...
Mac MacGuff: Who is the kid?
Juno MacGuff: The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Bren: Nails, really?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah!
Mac MacGuff: No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?
Juno MacGuff: Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
Mac MacGuff: Paulie Bleeker?
Juno MacGuff: What?
Mac MacGuff: I didn't think he had it in him.
Leah: I know, right?
Despite this final comic comment, Macguff is truly disappointed with his daughter and honestly expresses this to her.
Mac MacGuff: I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when.
Juno MacGuff: I don't know what kind of girl I am.
I find a hint of tenderness in this comment. He doesn't yell, he doesn't become angry, he simply speaks from the heart not only his disappointment with her pregnancy, but his doubt of what kind of a daughter Juno is. I think it's the openness of her father that allows Juno to openly express her own doubts of herself. Once Juno leaves the room, Macguff's protective instinct emerges strongly, and, um, coarsely.
Mac MacGuff: Next time I see that Bleeker kid I'm going to punch him in the wiener.
It's almost stereotypical, the father who wants to go beat up the teenage boy who impregnated his daughter. Stereotypical, until his wife remarks that it probably wasn't his idea, and he agrees. In a more appropriate channeling of his protective drive, MacGuff states that he will accompany Juno to meet the potential adoptive parents, because he doesn't want them taking advantage of her. It's clear that he embraces his authority and responsibility to protect his daughter. You have to wonder though, is guilt part of his motivation to be so involved in Juno's adoption process? Does his daughter's pregnancy make him doubt his ability as a father? Sadly, these themes are not explored in this film.
In another key father-daughter scene towards the end of Juno's pregnancy, a confused Juno, "dealing with things beyond [her] maturity level" turns to her father for counsel.
Juno MacGuff: I'm losing my faith in humanity.
Mac MacGuff: Think you can narrow it down for me?
Juno MacGuff: I guess I wonder sometimes if people ever stay together for good.
Mac MacGuff: You mean like couples?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah, like people in love.
Mac MacGuff: Are you having boy troubles? I gotta be honest; I don't much approve of dating in your condition, 'cause well... that's kind of messed up.
Juno MacGuff: Dad, no!
Mac MacGuff: Well, it's kind of skanky. Isn't that what you girls call it? Skanky? Skeevy?
Juno MacGuff: Please stop now.
Mac MacGuff: [persisting] Tore up from the floor up?
MacGuff is concerned for Juno and questions her to find out what's on her mind. Once again, he responds uncensored, and lapses into the awkward dad mode, teasing her about the language of skankiness, perhaps trying to relieve his or Juno's tension in this conversation. But Juno continues, and he responds thoughtfully and sensitively.
Juno MacGuff: Dad, it's not about that. I just need to know if it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever, or at least for a few years.
Mac MacGuff: It's not easy, that's for sure. Now, I may not have the best track record in the world, but I have been with your stepmother for 10 years now and I'm proud to say that we're very happy.
[Juno nods]
Mac MacGuff: In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.
Juno MacGuff: I sort of already have.
Mac MacGuff: Well, of course! Your old D-A-D! You know I'll always be there to love and support you no matter what kind of pickle you're in... Obviously
[nods to her belly]
The last line is meant to be cheesy. The audience knows that Juno isn't talking about her father, and he's being portrayed as the goofy naive dad who hopes that his daughter won't need any man but him. Despite his miscalculations on this matter, his expression of love and support is sincere. He's spent the past 6-8 months loving Juno unconditionally, graciously helping his pregnant daughter.
I'm going to go out on a limb and hypothesize that MacGuff's loving relationship with Juno serves a protective function when she meets Mark Loring, the potential adoptive father who takes an inappropriate interest in Juno. Though Bren warns her, Juno naively spends alone time with this married man, connecting with him over music, movies, and comics. Though Juno doesn't act wisely, I believe her intentions to be innocent. Perhaps since she already has the love and acceptance of her father, she's not seeking those things from Mark. To her, Mark is an enjoyable distraction during a confusing time and because he will be adopting her child, she sees him as "safe." It's clear that Mark becomes inappropriately attached to Juno, though his exact intentions are ambivalent. But when push comes to shove, I strongly believe that Juno would have resisted any romantic or sexual advances toward her. I believe that she is not a girl who can be taken advantage of, and it's obvious throughout the film that she marches to the beat of her own drummer. I believe that part of this quality in Juno comes from her strong relationship with her father. Though her mother had rejected her, he accepts her no matter what, which gives Juno the freedom to make her own decisions and to express herself as a unique individual.
But the question still remains, where was Mac MacGuff when his teenage daughter was having unprotected sex? Wouldn't a truly caring, protective father have been able to prevent this mistake? Did he not monitor her time with boys closely enough? Did he not discuss sex with Juno? Was he not involved? Was he too busy with his heating and air conditioning business, or his new wife and daughter to notice what was going on with Juno? Perhaps he trusted her too much. I believe this last scenario to be most likely. He knew that his daughter was an individual, and that she would not be taken advantage of sexually or pressured into doing something she wanted to do. In his comment, "I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when," he seemed to have placed a lot of confidence in her ability to make wise decisions. Sadly, because of the time frame of the movie, we don't have the full answers to these questions. Without knowing the quality of their father-daughter relationship prior to the pregnancy, we can only speculate about whether or not his actions contributed to her choice to have unprotected sex.
But what we do see in this film is a father's reaction to his daughter's pregnancy - every father's nightmare. He expresses his disappointment without anger or punishment, knowing that the responsibility that Juno now carries is punishment enough for her choice. He offers a protective, caring role and loves and supports her all along the way. He's not perfect, but he rises to the occasion and handles the challenge of his daughter's pregnancy in an admiral way. In this fictional world, Juno is lucky and blessed to have such a father as Mac MacGuff.
Honestly, 2007 wasn't such a bad year for fathers in film. At least, in my favorite films of the year. We had Dan in Real Life, a delightful romantic comedy starring Steve Carrell as a widower with three daughters trying to figure out how to balance fatherhood with a new potential love relationship.
Bill Hodnett portrays Glen Hansard's father in the film Once. It's not much of a part, but here's a working class dad who initially seems disinterested in his son's great musical talent, but there's a touching scene near the end of the film when he listens to his son's demo tape.
Guy: [song finishes] Well, what do you think? Do you like it? It's just a demo, you know...
Guy's Dad: It's fucking brilliant.
Guy: Really?
Guy's Dad: Fantastic stuff. That'll be a hit, no question.
Honestly, I think as viewers, we were just as shocked as the son to hear his father's assessment of the demo. As the scene continues, the proud father gives his son money and encourages him to go to Dublin to pursue his dreams. Now, here's a father who likely doesn't say "I love you," often and initially appeared somewhat disengaged, but underneath, he loves his son and is proud of his accomplishments. He may not be the ideal model of a father, but he displays his genuine love and support for his son through his actions.
One of my favorite portrayals of a father from 2007 films was Mac Macguff, played by J.K. Simmons, in Juno. Fathering teenagers is challenging. When daughters reach adolescence, it's common for fathers to detach themselves to a degree. The developing sexuality of a young woman is confusing and threatening to fathers. While young daughters can crawl up on father's knee and father can tickle and wrestle his little girl, these behaviors change when the girl hits puberty. No longer is this style of physical affection appropriate between an adolescent and her father, forcing fathers to renegotiate their interactions with their daughters. Unfortunately this can be a difficult and confusing task, so some fathers will disengage from showing love and affection to their daughter. But in the film Juno, we have a father who has successfully renegotiated his relationship with his teenage daughter, and remains engaged in her life.
Here's another working class father who, as the picture suggests, is a little rough around the edges. But despite his gruffness, this father truly has a heart of gold. There's a endearing innocence to his uncultured nature, made apparent in his interactions with the ultra-polished Vanessa. When she asks the family, "Have you ever felt like you had a special purpose in life?" his quick response is, "Yes, heating and air-conditioning." Whether it's naivety or self-confidence, Mac has a natural ease about him and never pretends to be something he's not.
Mac MacGuff: Whats that thing?
Vanessa Loring: It's a Pilates machine.
Mac MacGuff: What do you make with it?
Vanessa Loring: Oh you don't make anything with it, its for exercise.
Mac MacGuff: Oh. My wife ordered one of those Tony Little Gazelles off the television... I don't know about that guy. He doesn't look right.
And sometimes, he's just that dorky dad who says the things that a teenage daughter would never want her friends to hear.
Mac MacGuff: Hey there, big puffy version of Junebug!
Despite how he's sometimes portrayed as the lame, bumbling father, MacGuff is by no means incompetent in his role as a father to Juno. He's protective, caring, and actively engaged with his teenage daughter, which is displayed in two key scenes. The first is the revelation of Juno's pregnancy. When Juno tells him and his wife of her pregnancy, MacGuff's initial reaction is shock then wanting details. His reaction to the news of the father's identity seems typical for the uncensored, genuine Mac Macguff.
Juno MacGuff: I'm Pregnant.
Bren: Oh, God.
Juno MacGuff: But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And and what ah 30 or odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.
Mac MacGuff: You're pregnant?
Juno MacGuff: I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since like Wednesday... morning.
Bren: I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
Juno MacGuff: I, uh...
Mac MacGuff: Who is the kid?
Juno MacGuff: The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Bren: Nails, really?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah!
Mac MacGuff: No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?
Juno MacGuff: Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
Mac MacGuff: Paulie Bleeker?
Juno MacGuff: What?
Mac MacGuff: I didn't think he had it in him.
Leah: I know, right?
Despite this final comic comment, Macguff is truly disappointed with his daughter and honestly expresses this to her.
Mac MacGuff: I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when.
Juno MacGuff: I don't know what kind of girl I am.
I find a hint of tenderness in this comment. He doesn't yell, he doesn't become angry, he simply speaks from the heart not only his disappointment with her pregnancy, but his doubt of what kind of a daughter Juno is. I think it's the openness of her father that allows Juno to openly express her own doubts of herself. Once Juno leaves the room, Macguff's protective instinct emerges strongly, and, um, coarsely.
Mac MacGuff: Next time I see that Bleeker kid I'm going to punch him in the wiener.
It's almost stereotypical, the father who wants to go beat up the teenage boy who impregnated his daughter. Stereotypical, until his wife remarks that it probably wasn't his idea, and he agrees. In a more appropriate channeling of his protective drive, MacGuff states that he will accompany Juno to meet the potential adoptive parents, because he doesn't want them taking advantage of her. It's clear that he embraces his authority and responsibility to protect his daughter. You have to wonder though, is guilt part of his motivation to be so involved in Juno's adoption process? Does his daughter's pregnancy make him doubt his ability as a father? Sadly, these themes are not explored in this film.
In another key father-daughter scene towards the end of Juno's pregnancy, a confused Juno, "dealing with things beyond [her] maturity level" turns to her father for counsel.
Juno MacGuff: I'm losing my faith in humanity.
Mac MacGuff: Think you can narrow it down for me?
Juno MacGuff: I guess I wonder sometimes if people ever stay together for good.
Mac MacGuff: You mean like couples?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah, like people in love.
Mac MacGuff: Are you having boy troubles? I gotta be honest; I don't much approve of dating in your condition, 'cause well... that's kind of messed up.
Juno MacGuff: Dad, no!
Mac MacGuff: Well, it's kind of skanky. Isn't that what you girls call it? Skanky? Skeevy?
Juno MacGuff: Please stop now.
Mac MacGuff: [persisting] Tore up from the floor up?
MacGuff is concerned for Juno and questions her to find out what's on her mind. Once again, he responds uncensored, and lapses into the awkward dad mode, teasing her about the language of skankiness, perhaps trying to relieve his or Juno's tension in this conversation. But Juno continues, and he responds thoughtfully and sensitively.
Juno MacGuff: Dad, it's not about that. I just need to know if it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever, or at least for a few years.
Mac MacGuff: It's not easy, that's for sure. Now, I may not have the best track record in the world, but I have been with your stepmother for 10 years now and I'm proud to say that we're very happy.
[Juno nods]
Mac MacGuff: In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.
Juno MacGuff: I sort of already have.
Mac MacGuff: Well, of course! Your old D-A-D! You know I'll always be there to love and support you no matter what kind of pickle you're in... Obviously
[nods to her belly]
The last line is meant to be cheesy. The audience knows that Juno isn't talking about her father, and he's being portrayed as the goofy naive dad who hopes that his daughter won't need any man but him. Despite his miscalculations on this matter, his expression of love and support is sincere. He's spent the past 6-8 months loving Juno unconditionally, graciously helping his pregnant daughter.
I'm going to go out on a limb and hypothesize that MacGuff's loving relationship with Juno serves a protective function when she meets Mark Loring, the potential adoptive father who takes an inappropriate interest in Juno. Though Bren warns her, Juno naively spends alone time with this married man, connecting with him over music, movies, and comics. Though Juno doesn't act wisely, I believe her intentions to be innocent. Perhaps since she already has the love and acceptance of her father, she's not seeking those things from Mark. To her, Mark is an enjoyable distraction during a confusing time and because he will be adopting her child, she sees him as "safe." It's clear that Mark becomes inappropriately attached to Juno, though his exact intentions are ambivalent. But when push comes to shove, I strongly believe that Juno would have resisted any romantic or sexual advances toward her. I believe that she is not a girl who can be taken advantage of, and it's obvious throughout the film that she marches to the beat of her own drummer. I believe that part of this quality in Juno comes from her strong relationship with her father. Though her mother had rejected her, he accepts her no matter what, which gives Juno the freedom to make her own decisions and to express herself as a unique individual.
But the question still remains, where was Mac MacGuff when his teenage daughter was having unprotected sex? Wouldn't a truly caring, protective father have been able to prevent this mistake? Did he not monitor her time with boys closely enough? Did he not discuss sex with Juno? Was he not involved? Was he too busy with his heating and air conditioning business, or his new wife and daughter to notice what was going on with Juno? Perhaps he trusted her too much. I believe this last scenario to be most likely. He knew that his daughter was an individual, and that she would not be taken advantage of sexually or pressured into doing something she wanted to do. In his comment, "I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when," he seemed to have placed a lot of confidence in her ability to make wise decisions. Sadly, because of the time frame of the movie, we don't have the full answers to these questions. Without knowing the quality of their father-daughter relationship prior to the pregnancy, we can only speculate about whether or not his actions contributed to her choice to have unprotected sex.
But what we do see in this film is a father's reaction to his daughter's pregnancy - every father's nightmare. He expresses his disappointment without anger or punishment, knowing that the responsibility that Juno now carries is punishment enough for her choice. He offers a protective, caring role and loves and supports her all along the way. He's not perfect, but he rises to the occasion and handles the challenge of his daughter's pregnancy in an admiral way. In this fictional world, Juno is lucky and blessed to have such a father as Mac MacGuff.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
my first experience with age regression
I had a conversation with my eight year old self yesterday. She (I?) spoke to me from where she was sitting by the bushes in the backyard and told me I was beautiful, which surprised me and made me blush. Then she (I?) told me, "You're not a kid like me. You can do more than I can do. You can do a lot." There was a tone of admiration and wonder in her (my) voice, mixed with a little bit of impatience. She didn't ask me for anything, but I gave her a hug, because we both could use a little love.
Neither of us said another word, until I walked toward the gate, and before it closed behind me, turned around to say, "Thank you."
What did I learn from this experience? That I'm still afraid of being inadequate, but I'm not a child. I can do more than I once could, more than I realize.
Neither of us said another word, until I walked toward the gate, and before it closed behind me, turned around to say, "Thank you."
What did I learn from this experience? That I'm still afraid of being inadequate, but I'm not a child. I can do more than I once could, more than I realize.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Politically Speaking Part 1: Does welfare make people lazy and dependent on the government?
I tend to avoid discussing politics. For one thing, I never feel like I'm informed enough to make a good point or even have something worthwhile to contribute. But despite the amount of information I have or don't have, I mostly avoid it because too often political discussions become unproductive and downright nasty. I've seen otherwise nice and polite individuals become hostile toward one another just because they disagreed politically. People are passionate about politics (and rightfully so), but often this passion leads to blindness and deafness. People stop listening, and start shouting. Political discussions, and even presidential debates, often seem to me to just be contests of who can shout the loudest.
"I'll listen to other people's ideas, but they just need to realize that I'm always right," smirked a politically-minded friend last semester.
"Now, that doesn't leave much room for real dialogue, does it?" I smiled, patronizingly.
I would never want to discuss politics with a friend of that mindset. Well, I will admit, I do have another friend of a similar mindset with whom I do occasionally like to discuss politics, but mainly because she's so easily riled up and I like to get under her skin sometimes. But nothing productive ever comes out of it, as I'm often just playing devil's advocate and don't even share my true opinions with her.
However, last week I enjoyed a political discussion with a few people seated around a round table (how appropriate), in which we presented our ideas, questioned, argued, hypothesized, and no one got hurt. Surprisingly, I not only enjoyed this conversation but felt invigorated by it. I think it turned out well because people actually listened. Imagine, actually listening to someone you disagree with, and actually being heard by that person. I agree with Carl Rogers, to be heard really is something incredible. To be heard is to be respected and accepted in a way that words can never express.
So, perhaps political discussions aren't as scary as I had thought. On that note, I have some things to share in response to that conversation last week, Anton's posts about Ron Paul and his ideas on healthcare, and Martha's recent post about her political leanings. Anton, Martha, I respect and admire both of you. Fortunately, because slight differences among friends are good things, I respectfully disagree with some of your opinions. I do hear what you're saying and it's given me a lot to think about. I don't want you to feel singled out or attacked by this post - you guys were the inspiration for this, and I thank you. I want to respond with my thoughts, and give you and anyone else who reads this something to think about.
There are several things that I intended to address in this one post, but I began writing and realized that I was being too ambitious. This will merely hopefully be part one of a four or five part series addressing welfare, charity, healthcare, and how our taxes are spent. I think the quality of individuals posts will be better than if I just lumped all of my ideas together, and this also allows you guys to comment and me to respond to your comments throughout. Before reading Martha's post this morning, I had intended to write about my intense and unyielding love of HEB. By the end of this series, some of you may wish that I had carried out my original intention. But rest assured, once I get a few political thoughts out of my head and into the blogsphere, I'll be back to writing about HEB, trees, grad school, loneliness, whiteness, and whatever else I'm experiencing. But right now, I'm experiencing an unusual political interest, and I intend to take advantage of it.
Part 1: Does welfare make people lazy and dependent on the government?
Lots of people don't like the idea of spending their hard-earned money on poor people, arguing that they are lazy and welfare creates dependency, giving no incentive to find work and get off of welfare. It really is an awful idea. I work for my my money, so why should I be paying for someone who isn't working? Doesn't sound fair at all. As a social work minor, I remember in one course discussing myths about welfare. I tried to find these myths and facts online, and I found plenty, but most authors were citing statistics that were at least 10 years old, before the welfare reform of 1996 and TANF was created to replace the Aid to Families with Dependent Children program. So, I decided to just read up on Temporary Assistance to Needy Families and refresh myself on what exactly it is. First off, just reading the title, welfare is temporary and therefore shouldn't create dependency because at some point, a person will be unable to continue receiving it. I learned more reading this handy dandy fact sheet about TANF from the US Department of Health and Human Services:
"Five-Year Time Limit:
"I'll listen to other people's ideas, but they just need to realize that I'm always right," smirked a politically-minded friend last semester.
"Now, that doesn't leave much room for real dialogue, does it?" I smiled, patronizingly.
I would never want to discuss politics with a friend of that mindset. Well, I will admit, I do have another friend of a similar mindset with whom I do occasionally like to discuss politics, but mainly because she's so easily riled up and I like to get under her skin sometimes. But nothing productive ever comes out of it, as I'm often just playing devil's advocate and don't even share my true opinions with her.
However, last week I enjoyed a political discussion with a few people seated around a round table (how appropriate), in which we presented our ideas, questioned, argued, hypothesized, and no one got hurt. Surprisingly, I not only enjoyed this conversation but felt invigorated by it. I think it turned out well because people actually listened. Imagine, actually listening to someone you disagree with, and actually being heard by that person. I agree with Carl Rogers, to be heard really is something incredible. To be heard is to be respected and accepted in a way that words can never express.
So, perhaps political discussions aren't as scary as I had thought. On that note, I have some things to share in response to that conversation last week, Anton's posts about Ron Paul and his ideas on healthcare, and Martha's recent post about her political leanings. Anton, Martha, I respect and admire both of you. Fortunately, because slight differences among friends are good things, I respectfully disagree with some of your opinions. I do hear what you're saying and it's given me a lot to think about. I don't want you to feel singled out or attacked by this post - you guys were the inspiration for this, and I thank you. I want to respond with my thoughts, and give you and anyone else who reads this something to think about.
There are several things that I intended to address in this one post, but I began writing and realized that I was being too ambitious. This will merely hopefully be part one of a four or five part series addressing welfare, charity, healthcare, and how our taxes are spent. I think the quality of individuals posts will be better than if I just lumped all of my ideas together, and this also allows you guys to comment and me to respond to your comments throughout. Before reading Martha's post this morning, I had intended to write about my intense and unyielding love of HEB. By the end of this series, some of you may wish that I had carried out my original intention. But rest assured, once I get a few political thoughts out of my head and into the blogsphere, I'll be back to writing about HEB, trees, grad school, loneliness, whiteness, and whatever else I'm experiencing. But right now, I'm experiencing an unusual political interest, and I intend to take advantage of it.
Part 1: Does welfare make people lazy and dependent on the government?
Lots of people don't like the idea of spending their hard-earned money on poor people, arguing that they are lazy and welfare creates dependency, giving no incentive to find work and get off of welfare. It really is an awful idea. I work for my my money, so why should I be paying for someone who isn't working? Doesn't sound fair at all. As a social work minor, I remember in one course discussing myths about welfare. I tried to find these myths and facts online, and I found plenty, but most authors were citing statistics that were at least 10 years old, before the welfare reform of 1996 and TANF was created to replace the Aid to Families with Dependent Children program. So, I decided to just read up on Temporary Assistance to Needy Families and refresh myself on what exactly it is. First off, just reading the title, welfare is temporary and therefore shouldn't create dependency because at some point, a person will be unable to continue receiving it. I learned more reading this handy dandy fact sheet about TANF from the US Department of Health and Human Services:
"Five-Year Time Limit:
- Families with an adult who has received federally funded assistance for a total of five years (or less at state option) are not eligible for cash aid under the TANF program.
- States may extend assistance beyond 60 months to not more than 20 percent of their caseload. They may also elect to provide assistance to families beyond 60 months using state-only funds or Social Services Block Grants. "
If I'm reading this correctly, 80% or more of those receiving TANF will be completely cut off after five years, unless the state decides to use its own funds, but federal funds will not be provided. It's temporary; it's not designed to create dependence. If people are continuing to use TANF more than 5 years, then that's because of a state, not federal, choice.
"Work Requirements:
- Recipients (with few exceptions) must work as soon as they are job ready or no later than two years after coming on assistance.
- Single parents are required to participate in work activities for at least 30 hours per week. Two-parent families must participate in work activities 35 or 55 hours a week, depending upon circumstances.
- Failure to participate in work requirements can result in a reduction or termination of benefits to the family.
- States cannot penalize single parents with a child under six for failing to meet work requirements if they cannot find adequate child care.
- States, in FY 2004, have to ensure that 50 percent of all families and 90 percent of two-parent families are participating in work activities. If a state reduces its caseload, without restricting eligibility, it can receive a caseload reduction credit. This credit reduces the minimum participation rates the state must achieve. "
"Work activities" include employment, job training, education, and community service. Even job searching is considered a "work activity," but it is "not to exceed 6 total weeks and no more than 4 consecutive weeks." To receive this assistance, you must working or serving your community, or actively working to increase your ability to find a job through education or job training. TANF is designed to give individuals the incentive to find work. It's designed to temporarily help needy families get onto their feet so they can soon provide for themselves. If people are receiving TANF checks and sitting around not working or trying to work, or continuing to receive those checks for years and years, then the program isn't being implemented correctly.
Ok, so TANF is temporary and has built-in work requirements. What about other social services, such as Food Stamps or housing and energy assistance? I don't think the Food Stamp Program has any sort of work requirement, but according to its fact sheet:
"FSP provides crucial support to needy households and to those making the transition from welfare to work. In fact, 29 percent of participating food stamp households have earnings."
"The average time a food stamp recipient stays on the program is 9 months."
While it may not have the built-in incentives like TANF does, the Food Stamp Program also is generally being used temporarily. Without knowing the standard deviation of this 9 month average, there could be a wide spread, meaning that there may be outliers who use food stamps for years upon years, but these likely represent a very small portion of food stamp recipients.
In addition to nutrition assistance, low income households can receive government assistance in paying their energy bills. The federal government gives money for this to states, but lets the states decide eligibility and how it's allocated. Texans can apply for this assistance through the Comprehensive Energy Assistance Program (CEAP). Their website clearly states that CEAP is not an entitlement program, meaning that:
- "Program funds must be available;
- One must apply for the assistance and qualify;
- The assistance is not limitless (there are caps for assistance); and
- The assistance is determined on a case-by-case basis. "
There are plenty of government websites explaining what exactly these welfare services are, who's eligible, and for how long. If you're curious, go take a look, but I think the information I've surveyed shows a couple of interesting themes: 1) the temporary and limited nature of these services, and 2) the states' relative freedom in distributing the funds. Reading about these services, unless they're being horribly implemented and abused, I don't see how a family could become permanently dependent on the government for assistance.
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