“Loved by God, kept by Christ.”

This and other scriptures have been my mantra the past few weeks. I have been having a rough time lately, feeling lonely, unloved, guilty, hurt, insecure, and yearning for the approval of others. I feel like I’m fighting these feelings, and intrusive thoughts, lies that pop into my head based on the things I listed. I’m fighting them with prayers and scripture. It’s like some sort of faith-based-self-induced-cognitive-behavioral therapy – I’m trying to restructure the maladaptive thoughts and belief system with the truth that I know is God’s word. And it helps. For example, when I start to feel guilty and ashamed, I remind myself, “There is therefore now no condemnation in Christ,” “Those who put their hope in Christ will never be put to shame,” and “As far as the east is from the west,” that’s as far as my sins are from God. The Spirit is freedom, and I don’t want to beat myself up about things that are already forgiven, I want to experience freedom and life.

And God’s grace is at work through this time. The scriptures I am reading are becoming so much more real to me. They’re not just things I think; they’re things that I experience. Somehow, for the most part, I feel at peace. I feel hopeful, and I feel that this is right where I should be. Though November has been lonely and sometimes sad, it’s better than the anxiety and confusion that was September and October. I can handle sad and I know that it will go away. Anxiety and doubts, I’m not really sure what to do with those. More tangible, external things are also happening. I have dear close friends and relatives who, while not here physically to take away my loneliness, have been only a phone call or email away, and have supported me, prayed for me, and talked me through my rough nights and mornings. While I’m new at my church and all of these people are new to me, I’ve started to become closer to them. I am starting to connect with them and feel at home. A couple of weeks ago, I shared with my small group the loneliness that I’m feeling, and they’re responding and I’m starting to experience through them this connection with others that I long for. I’m starting to really experience what it means for a church to be a community. It’s not perfect, these aren’t my new best friends just yet, but step by step, I’m experiencing the community that my heart desires.

I’m also trying to let go of my expectations of these new people in my life. I’m trying to not let my self-worth be determined by other’s approval. I do desire close friendship and connectedness, and I need more support here, but I’m trying to not be needy. When I go into situations when I’m around new friends and just release my expectations, and just try to love and enjoy them, well, it usually goes great, connections just flow naturally and I’m thankful for that.

I have been so focused on myself these past few months, but I want to love others more. I want to really, genuinely care about all of those around me. I want to step out from myself, step away from my trying to make myself better and happier and instead focus on giving to others and enriching their lives.

I have no idea how any of this sounds. However this comes across, writing this is more real to me than writing about being white. I have started writing a follow-up to my whiteness post, but today is not the day to finish it. I actually started writing this post Sunday evening, during a time that was probably a low point for the past couple of weeks. I am feeling better, and I know that in spite of the rough times I’m experiencing, I’m becoming more whole and more myself because of it.

What is normal?

This started as a comment on one of my friend's posts, but soon grew wings and took off into its own post! In summary, I have a dear friend who has been pretty open about her struggles with depression. She recently posted some information about a mental disorder ending it stating how she wants to be "normal."

And about this definition of normalcy, here is some more information from the NIMH website -

"Mental disorders are common in the United States and internationally. An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older — about one in four adults — suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year."

So, yes, normal is a relative term. Mental disorders may be classified as abnormal emotions, thoughts, and behavior, but they are not rare or even uncommon. While we've come a long way from the way mental disorders used to be perceived, there is still something shameful about being disagnosed with one, despite the fact that most of them are as biological as diabetes or heart disease. No one wants to be "abnormal," "unstable," or "crazy." Because this social stigma exists, people don't talk about taking anti-depressives or mood-stabilizers like they may talk about taking insulin or cholestoral medicine. You probably each know a few people a few people who are currently living with a mental disorder and taking medication or going to therapy. You probably know even more people who are taking medication, but not talking about it. And that's ok. Everyone is entitled to their privacy, and no one deserves to be labeled by a disorder or disability. A person with cerbral palsy has a harder time hiding their disability than a person with depression.

However, this silence only supports the stigma. Dear friend, thank you for not being silent. I'm sure there is someone reading your blog, suffering silently, who read that and thought, "I'm not alone. I know how you feel, I want to be normal too." There is nothing normal feeling whatsoever when living with a mental disorder, and writing this probably doesn't make you feel much more normal. You may think abnormal thoughts, feel abnormal emotions, and act out abnormal actions, but you, yourself, are still completely normal.

While in a given year, the majority of the population does not suffer from a mental disorder, its likely that the majority is affected by one. The prevalence of mental illnesses among friends and family members makes them a very normal experience, indeed. I can think of at least three friends and family members currently under medication, and even more previously medicated, and even hospitalized from a mental disorder. Mental disorders are as much a part of the common human experience as physical illnesses, death, and births.

On another note, when the heck did Fountains of Wayne and the Smashing Pumpkins start getting played on VH1 Classic? I feel old. Now they're playing the Beach Boys. I don't know whether to feel better or worse!