He will rejoice over you with singing

"Sing, O Daughter of Zion;

shout aloud, O Israel!

Be glad and rejoice with all your heart,

O Daughter of Jerusalem!
The LORD has taken away your punishment,

he has turned back your enemy.

The LORD, the King of Israel, is with you;

never again will you fear any harm.

On that day they will say to Jerusalem,

'Do not fear, O Zion;

do not let your hands hang limp.
The LORD your God is with you,

he is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

he will quiet you with his love,

he will rejoice over you with singing.' "

Zephaniah 3:14-17

Monday at a women's meeting with my church, those words were poured out over my friend Natalie. She described feeling oppressed by shame and fear, by lies that her family had told her, that were keeping her from experiencing God's love and affection from others. Praying over her, praying for freedom, praying against this oppression, was a truly beautiful experience. We prayed, we cried, we laughed, words of truth were spoken, metaphors were described, images were imagined, scripture was read, song lyrics were quoted. There's really no way to describe it. Just imagine, one small blonde girl sitting on her knees, crying, blowing her nose, and at least 20 other women, Arwens, unwilling to let our friend, our sister, be bound by darkness, as we prayed and spoke over Natalie about 20 minutes.

Through this experience of speaking healing and freedom into Natalie's life, I also found that freedom and life is being given to me as well. I suppose it's true, as one part suffers, all parts suffer, and as one part rejoices, all parts rejoice. I imagine that I wasn't the only one suffering, and the only one who left that meeting rejoicing. I woke Tuesday morning truly happy and full of life. This was the first day since the breakup that I was actually excited to wake up. I'd had pleasant dreams, dreams that were hopeful, and Andrew was in them, but I didn't miss him. He was there, but he didn't matter, and I woke up feeling like that could be possible, that exciting things are in store for me and that I will be free from missing him and feeling lonely.

Tuesday continued to be a great day. My classmate and I went down to Austin to see Feist in concert. The concert was incredible, and the whole afternoon/evening was a great escape. Even though it was a Tuesday night, it felt like a weekend, like a true vacation, and we were able to escape our school obligations for a few hours and really relax and enjoy ourselves.

My classmate also recently went through a breakup, and we dreamed about places we wanted to travel too and things that we wanted to do, and it got me really excited. I hadn't dreamed that way since I'd been dating Andrew. I had lots of dreams and excitement, but they all centered around him and how he could fit into my future. A lady at the women's meeting described how before she was married, she imagined taking all of her dreams and goals and placing them in a box and wrapping them as a gift. She knew that when she was married that she wouldn't have to throw away this box, but it would a gift that she could trust to her husband. She knew that God would provide her with someone who would take care of her dreams and goals. I really like that imagery. It's easy for me to be extreme and get caught up in the idea of being single and doing only what I want or of being married and surrendered to a husband and possibly giving up dreams, but I trust that God has someone for me who will cherish my dreams and help me fulfill them, and I don't have to fear giving them up because I'll be giving them over to someone I can trust.

In addition to the great concert and good time with friends, I came home from Austin with a bike! A couple of years ago, my mom gave me her old bike, but it was stolen. Lately, I've been thinking that I wanted a bike again, to ride for fun, and also I'm hoping to live closer to campus next year so I could possibly commute with it. My birthday's coming up, and I had even thought about asking for a bike for my birthday. My classmate and I picked up her friend Emily for the concert. Emily started talking about how she was getting a new bike, I mentioned wanting a bike, and she offered me her old one! It's a Hercules, made in England, and it's purple! It's such a girly bike - I absolutely love it! It needs some work, but I asked the men in my church small group about it, and there's a guy who really loves working on bikes, so he's excited to work on it! I'm really thrilled about it, it'll be great to start riding again. And did I mention it's purple? Remind me to post some pictures when we get it into shape.

Overall, it's been a really incredible week, but I've still had some hard times. I've been trying to figure out where to live and who to live with. I was considering buying a house, but a couple of weeks ago I decided against that. Last week, talking with a woman from my church about the breakup, I also started talking about housing, and we decided that it would be really good for me to live with some fellow church members. My roommates right now are ok, but we just don't connect, and I've never felt completely at home living where I live now. Like I've mentioned, I really want to connect with more women from my church and build female friendships, and I want to live somewhere that feels like a home. I think this would be really good for me, and I think it's what I need right now. I've talked with a couple of different sets of girls about it, but I'm still waiting for things to work out. Today, I got really frustrated, because things didn't work out with the first group of girls, and it may not work out with this second group. Both times, I got really emotional about it. I realize that I'm probably over reacting, but I'm hurt and lonely and I want so desperately for connect with others and I want something really good to look forward to! I've also realized that these feel a little like rejections. I just got a big rejection from Andrew, and then I felt rejected again when things didn't work out with the first group of girls. But they've assured me that it really just came down to the logistics and they want to continue to get to know me better and stay connected. I believe them, but I still have fear. I fear that because I'm no longer dating Andrew, that I'm going to lose these friendships I've started to build these past few months and just become distanced from these people. I know this isn't true, and people keep approaching me and telling me how they want to hang out, they want to stay connected to me, but I still have that fear. I fear being rejected again.

So, please pray for me about all of this. Pray that things will work out for me to live with some girls from church, pray that I'll really feel at home in my next place. Pray that I'll feel peace about this and be able to trust it to God without getting so emotional about it and without putting such high stakes on everything. Pray that I'll be free from these fears, pray that I'll continue to connect with others, and trust them. Pray that I won't be lonely, but that I will find good women to connect with during this time. And I have so much school work to do in the next three weeks, pray that I won't be distracted from that, but that I'll be diligent and get a lot done soon! My mom came to visit last weekend and that was really good, but I'm worried about this weekend. I have dinner plans on Friday and Saturday night, but most of the time I need to work on a big paper. I'm afraid that I'm going to get lonely, that I'm going to start thinking about Andrew and wondering what he's doing. Pray that I'll be free from that, that I'll just get absorbed in my paper and not worry about those things. I really am dreading this weekend, but I know that I shouldn't. It'll be a good time for me to be productive and to spend some time with the people here who I care about.

I started writing this post a couple of days ago, and there was more that I wanted to say, but I think this is enough for now.

“Loved by God, kept by Christ.”

This and other scriptures have been my mantra the past few weeks. I have been having a rough time lately, feeling lonely, unloved, guilty, hurt, insecure, and yearning for the approval of others. I feel like I’m fighting these feelings, and intrusive thoughts, lies that pop into my head based on the things I listed. I’m fighting them with prayers and scripture. It’s like some sort of faith-based-self-induced-cognitive-behavioral therapy – I’m trying to restructure the maladaptive thoughts and belief system with the truth that I know is God’s word. And it helps. For example, when I start to feel guilty and ashamed, I remind myself, “There is therefore now no condemnation in Christ,” “Those who put their hope in Christ will never be put to shame,” and “As far as the east is from the west,” that’s as far as my sins are from God. The Spirit is freedom, and I don’t want to beat myself up about things that are already forgiven, I want to experience freedom and life.

And God’s grace is at work through this time. The scriptures I am reading are becoming so much more real to me. They’re not just things I think; they’re things that I experience. Somehow, for the most part, I feel at peace. I feel hopeful, and I feel that this is right where I should be. Though November has been lonely and sometimes sad, it’s better than the anxiety and confusion that was September and October. I can handle sad and I know that it will go away. Anxiety and doubts, I’m not really sure what to do with those. More tangible, external things are also happening. I have dear close friends and relatives who, while not here physically to take away my loneliness, have been only a phone call or email away, and have supported me, prayed for me, and talked me through my rough nights and mornings. While I’m new at my church and all of these people are new to me, I’ve started to become closer to them. I am starting to connect with them and feel at home. A couple of weeks ago, I shared with my small group the loneliness that I’m feeling, and they’re responding and I’m starting to experience through them this connection with others that I long for. I’m starting to really experience what it means for a church to be a community. It’s not perfect, these aren’t my new best friends just yet, but step by step, I’m experiencing the community that my heart desires.

I’m also trying to let go of my expectations of these new people in my life. I’m trying to not let my self-worth be determined by other’s approval. I do desire close friendship and connectedness, and I need more support here, but I’m trying to not be needy. When I go into situations when I’m around new friends and just release my expectations, and just try to love and enjoy them, well, it usually goes great, connections just flow naturally and I’m thankful for that.

I have been so focused on myself these past few months, but I want to love others more. I want to really, genuinely care about all of those around me. I want to step out from myself, step away from my trying to make myself better and happier and instead focus on giving to others and enriching their lives.

I have no idea how any of this sounds. However this comes across, writing this is more real to me than writing about being white. I have started writing a follow-up to my whiteness post, but today is not the day to finish it. I actually started writing this post Sunday evening, during a time that was probably a low point for the past couple of weeks. I am feeling better, and I know that in spite of the rough times I’m experiencing, I’m becoming more whole and more myself because of it.

what I am not

In becoming a more honest and genuine person, it's good to admit what you are. I believe it is equally beneficial to admit what you are not. I've often fallen into a trap of trying to be someone that I was not - sometimes because I thought others expected it of me, but more often because I just wanted to be someone different. By admitting that I am not these things, I hope it will help me to avoid trying to be something that I'm not. Here goes . . .

I am not . . .

1. A Fajita Eater. For years, I've gone to Mexican restaurants with my mom and split fajitas with her, when I would much rather eat enchiladas. Fajitas are fine, but every time I order them, I'm disappointed. About a year ago, I realized this disappointment might be because *ta-dah* I don't like fajitas! This was a revolution, and since that moment, I have stopped ordering them.

2. A Beachgoer. I've always preferred the mountains to the beach. I don't really like the sand, I'm not huge on swimming, and I sunburn easily. I enjoyed my time at the beach this past spring break, but I went on that trip for the ministry opportunities, not for the beach. Beaches are pretty and relaxing, but after about an hour or two, I've had my fill.

3. A Camper. This came up recently in a conversation. I like the outdoors, I like forests and mountains, I just don't like spending the night in them. I like the idea of camping much more than the actual experience. I don't mind not showering, but I'm rarely comfortable sleeping in a tent and often frightened of the animal noises outside.

4. A Music Guru. Man, I sure wish I was! I love music more than some people, but less than others. Most of the new music I listen to is from recommendations from others - though I have fallen in love with some good tunes playing on the local college radio station. I say I love going to concerts, but then friends invite me to go see bands that I've never heard of - reminding me, that as much as I love music, or as much as I would love to love music, I am not a music guru.

5. A Teetotaler. I mostly avoided alcohol until I turned 21, but not because I didn't like it. I'm a social drinker, I enjoy having a beer or margarita at a concert or a rum and coke when I'm out at dinner with my manager and coworkers. I've also recently enjoyed smoking hookah, and wouldn't mind trying a cigar sometime either or even *gasp* marijuana in a country where it was legal. But, I've also never gotten drunk. I believe almost anything can be enjoyed in moderation.

6. Maternal. I love babies, and I volunteer with preteens, yet, I just don't connect well with children. Babysitting has always been awkward - I don't know how to stop a baby from crying and I don't really know how to talk to a four year old without going crazy. While some of my friends dream of being mothers, I dream of having a husband, a career, traveling, and plan at some point to have children. My mom was this way too, before she had me, she wondered, "What's the big deal? It's just a baby." Then I was born, and all that changed. I think it'll be that way with me too.

7. A Bible Scholar. Despite having led Bible studies four semesters at TCU, I do not consider myself a Bible teacher. I have memorized scripture, I have a basic familiarity with most books of the Bible (though I haven't read all of them), and I'm comfortable having conversations about the Bible, but I think that sometimes I have portrayed myself as having more knowledge, and more dedication to studying the word of God that I actually do.

8. A Researcher. Then why oh why am I getting my Ph.D? I must be a masochist. No, I have many valid reasons for pursuing a doctoral degree, none of which is my love for research. I will research, I will complete a dissertation, but research is not my career goal. I hate literature reviews, I dislike hypothesizing and designing experiments, and I dislike scientific writing. I sorta like running experiments, I like analyzing data, and I enjoy the conversations that research sparks with faculty who are much more knowledgable than me. I had a love/hate relationship with my undergraduate thesis.

9. A Promise Keeper. I all too easily let commitments slide. I know it's irresponsible, but when I get sick of something, I'd just prefer to drop it quietly and hope no one mentions anything. Also, I need to stop telling my friends, "I'll give you a call this afternoon, and then not call them until two days later." I think the less promises I make, the better.


No worries Martha, I'm glad you tagged me! I had already written this post, and while many of these may fall into the category of "things that make me weird," I'm sure I can easily think of 6 things that are even stranger . . .

I rejoice as a great weight has lifted from my shoulders

Yesterday, I completed my final graduate school application. This is such a relief, as now I mainly just have to wait, prepare myself for interviews, and pray for wisdom to make my decision by April 15th. It's so strange, in less than three months, I'll be deciding where I'm spending the next four years. Gosh, that sounds familiar! Right now, I can't imagine making a decision like that and I just don't feel ready. But I'm confident that once I visit some of these schools, I'll get more of a feel for what it'd be like going there. Who knows, maybe I'll only get accepted to one place and the decision will be made for me!

For this final application, I had to add a couple of pages to my personal statement. While working on it, it reminded me of what a passion I do have for my chosen career. Here are some excerps from it, for your reading enjoyment:

"My interest in counseling stems from my positive experiences with a counselor during my parents’ divorce. At age thirteen, when most children already feel insecure, I also experienced intense grief and anger. My counselor understood my emotions and taught me about the grieving process that people often go through following a divorce. She encouraged me to focus on the positive aspects of my life. Through her guidance, I found hope and realized my ability to pursue a purpose for my life. Just as my counselor helped me, I wanted to give back by listening to my friends and helping them through their difficult times. In addition, my friends and family always said one of my greatest traits was empathy. Suddenly, I realized the counseling field was an opportunity for me to use the caring side of myself in a professional setting.

I entered college already planning to pursue counseling psychology, but allowed myself opportunities to explore other fields such as medicine and social work. My experience in these fields, however interesting, helped convince me of my original focus. My psychology coursework, volunteer opportunities, and feedback from those close to me have confirmed my original wish to pursue counseling psychology. I want to listen to and guide others through emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually challenging experiences in their lives. I want to gain the skills to identify the sources of my clients’ problems, guide them toward self-awareness, and motivate them to make positive, self-determined changes. My ultimate career goal is to have my own private counseling practice in which I am able to meet the needs of diverse individuals and families. I am thankful to have had many experiences in and outside the classroom that have shaped my goals and taught me about myself, including research, internships, extra-curricular involvement, and study abroad experience . . .

. . . While my interest in research has increased, my true desire has been to work in the service field. Since my sophomore year in college, I have volunteered biweekly at the Warm Place as a group facilitator for a grief-counseling program for children, helping preteens express and process their grief emotions and experiences. As I listen to my co-facilitators and the children I work with pour out their hearts and share their most private emotions, I sometimes find myself feeling their pain. These emotions are often tough, but I do not want to run from them. I want to embrace it and embrace the people because it is a part of who they are, and I desire to understand them. I believe that through this experience, I am learning what it truly means to be human . . .

. . .Even before these experiences, I have desired to reach out and help others in my personal life. As a leader in the Baptist Student Ministries, I was always eager to meet and befriend new students, which led me become a freshmen Bible study leader two years in a row. I felt inclined to make friends with students who others overlooked, those who were shy and unsure of themselves. I believe that everyone has something valuable to offer, and I desired to see these students bloom. . . . In a similar manner, as a counseling psychologist, I will see my job as dealing with the whole person before me. No matter what first impressions my clients give, I will seek out their strengths and challenge them to do the same, as I identify and treat their problems. One reason I have chosen counseling psychology over clinical is its focus on the positive aspects of clients rather than simply their pathologies. . . .

. . . In addition to my involvement with the BSM, another significant undergraduate experience was the five-week study abroad program I attended. My stay in Guanajuato, Mexico was a significant time in my life when I learned to embrace others’ differences. I fell in love with the people of Mexico, their openness, their laid-back attitude, their passions, their smiles, laughter, music, and food. I discovered while visiting a small, poor village in the country that every human being is the same. No matter what we look like or how different our lifestyles are, we still have the same basic needs – to be loved and cared for. Interestingly, I best learned to appreciate diversity from the other American students who were in the program with me. Until this trip, I had never been close to people that were significantly different from me; I had unintentionally surrounded myself with people who looked, thought, and acted like me. In Mexico, I became close to a young gay man, and a young Latina woman from a poor family. For the first time, I listened to the coming out story of a friend, and another friend shared her struggles to balance two distinct cultures. Their views on religion, God, and sex were very different from mine. I discovered that I could completely disagree with someone, but we could still become close and continue to respect one another. Until that trip, I had never met someone that I disagreed with whom I loved and respected so deeply. Since that experience, I have enjoyed befriending others with different backgrounds and ideologies. The openness I learned in Mexico will carry over into my approach as a counseling psychologist, in which I will accept and serve others with a variety of behaviors and beliefs.

I believe I have a spirit of adventure and am willing to try almost anything once. In Mexico, while some of my fellow students picked at the strange food on their plates, I tried anything and everything, including rabbit and cow tongue. If I never try, I will never know what I love and what doors could open. My supervisor at the drug rehabilitation program recognized that I was able to do what she asked without hesitation and was not afraid of making mistakes and learning from them. In my graduate training, I will be willing to try new things, even if I sometimes feel uncomfortable. Experience brings competence. I am enthusiastic about trying new things and adaptable to learn from my mistakes. . . .

. . . I hope to bring my unique personal assets to [your university] and continue its standard of excellence. My strong academic commitment will contribute to the success of your program as I learn, research, and teach. I am an independent self-starter and am able to achieve my goals. My enthusiasm and adaptability will allow me to work in a variety of settings and learn from feedback. My empathic and cooperative personality enables me to connect naturally with others, which will help me during interactions with clients as well as contribute to the friendly environment within your department. Only my fear of failure limits me, which in the past has led me to worry and be indecisive. While I worry more than I should, I do worry less than I used to and believe that I have grown significantly in this area in the past few years. Lately, I have found myself more confident and more likely to try new things even if there is no guarantee for success. I know that I am entering new territory in graduate school and am willing to try new tasks, be flexible, and be open to learning. I look forward to beginning my counseling career and learning more about my passion, and I hope that [your program] will be a part of my exciting future."