Saturday, June 28, 2008

green, living, and growing

It must be genetic. Like my cousin, my thumbs aren't green either. My roommate is gone for the summer, and at the very last minute she asked, "Hey, can you water my ivy? It just needs it every two weeks." This seemed like a really simple request, I mean, of course your roommate is responsible enough to water one plant every two weeks, right? Poor little ivy went an entire month without water. I noticed this about a week ago. This little guy by the sink was looking very droopy and brown, and I realized that it had been at least a month. How ironic, it sits right by the sink, all day long, watching me rinse my dishes, fill up my Brita pitcher, etc, but never receiving any of this overly abundant water to quench its own thirst. I think it's starting to recover. A few of the leaves on the ends of it look green, which might be new growth, who knows. Ivies are supposed to be hardy little plants, so I think it'll make it.

I think I'm starting to recover too, and I feel like there are parts of me that are becoming more green and coming back to life again. I finally feel like I can breath easy and receive water for my thirst. This past week has been good for me. This weekend is good too. At least for the present, I'm letting go of worrying about making friends, finding things to do, running around, trying to outrun my loneliness. You can't outrun loneliness, by the way. Or at least I can't. I'm not that fast of a runner. And the running just gets exhausting. So for the time being, I've stopped. And you know what? When you stop running from loneliness, sometimes it stops chasing you. Instead of trying to find people to spend my Friday and Saturday evenings with this weekend, only to be disappointed when someone's busy or when my ex shows up, I'm resting. I'm working on my papers due next week, hanging out at coffee shops, watching X-Files, making rice krispie treats, journaling, reading, relaxing, and praying.

I'm praying that I'll understand God's love for me more, that I'll see myself as he sees me, that I'll see him as I should, that I'll start trusting him again, that I'll let go of my fears, and really have faith that he will take care of me and give me all that I need. I don't think this will all happen in one weekend, but I'm trying to get to a place where I can rest my confidence in God, and love myself as he loves me, and not seek constantly seek approval from others, and be ok with being alone, and still need others, but not needing others. I think when I'm in this state, a lot of these worries will become insignificant, and I'll be open to receiving from God and others, and eventually able to freely give. I've been giving, or at least going through the motions, but at the heart of my giving is loneliness and feelings of being unneeded, and through giving, I've been hoping to be filled with something else, whether it's just filling up my time or giving me a sense of being needed for a few hours.

I feel good about this. I don't feel lonely. I don't feel unloved. I don't feel rejected. I feel at peace. Not overly happy, not excited, not thrilled, just peaceful.

About a month ago, I noticed that at the bottom of my blog I had this quote from a Rich Mullins song: "I am home anywhere, if you are where I am." I want this to be true, and today, I'm starting to believe it.


if walled in climb up said...

That's wonderful that you feel like you are growing again. This is a significant realization when you've been hurt really bad. I love how growing means you're doing something right. You're doing so many things right, Kelly--being gentle with yourself, resting, trying to create your ideal social life, diligently working at school and at work, being a good mama to your kitty, being a great friend to your old friends... I'm glad that those things that you are doing healthily are clear to you. And maybe you don't have a green thumb with plants, but I certainly see people grow whenever you touch them . That's better than a green thumb with plants any day. You're amazing.

Ben said...

You can't outrun loneliness - yeah. This is right.

Good things to hear from you, that you feel a bit more watered these days. I know that feeling, not being overly happy or excited or thrilled, but being OK. It can be a fragile feeling, I guess, but it is nice to have when it's there.

crackers and cheese said...

"I certainly see people grow whenever you touch them" Wow, thank you Britt. That's one of the best complements I've ever received. Wow.

Thank you both for the kind comments and the confirmation that this is right for me. I've experienced one of my best weekends in a while, it was more than OK actually.

And I feel like this is more than just getting over a hurt, I feel like this is part of a bigger journey that I started when I first moved down here, or maybe this started further back than I even realize. I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that the path that I'm on doesn't end with me getting over being hurt, which is certainly a part of this process, but I truly hope and believe that God will take me further.

if walled in climb up said...

Yes, I'm super excited to bring her home!!!! I'll post more pics when I do in 3 weeks.