I'm 24, self-confident, and still experience those moments when I feel like a middle school girl getting shunned in the cafeteria. Today at my practicum, I watched as the post-docs gathered by the front door, waiting for two of our staff psychologists to join them to go out for lunch. I remembered last week them saying that since we weren't having our regular training meeting that they would go out for lunch this afternoon instead.
And no, I wasn't invited. There was no reason for them to invite me. I'm only here two days a week and even my supervisor didn't expect me to be here today since it was optional because of the holidays. But here I am, and I was disappointed to realize that instead of eating lunch with the post-docs, three youngish women who I have come to get to know these past few months over lunches, meetings, trainings, and supervision sessions, I would be eating in the break room without them while they went out to lunch.
It felt silly, but suddenly I felt the age difference. I felt like the little sister, watching her big sisters go off together, hoping that one of them would invite her. I walked in an out of the break room a couple of times, watching them gathered, saying something to one of them, then only making eye contact the second time. How I hoped that one of them would say, "Oh hey, we didn't know you were going to be here today, why don't you join us for lunch?"
Even though I'm only a third year doctoral student, completing a part time practicum here, in the past few months, I'd come to feel as an equal to the staff here. I'm always aware that the full time staff have more experience than me and I have a lot to learn from them, but recently interacting with the postdocs, I'd come to feel like one of them, eating lunch together, talking about our clients, our families, dates, etc, sharing our frustrations and excitements with one another. I'm going to be sad to leave these new friends. I hope that we'll keep in touch, but it's unlikely that I've established any deep, lasting connections with them. At best, they'll be good professional contacts to consult with when I'm applying for internship and post-doctoral positions - good contacts to have, for sure.
Now I understand why coworkers in full-time office jobs often become close friends. I've never worked a job when I took lunches with coworkers. Just two hours a week, plus meetings and trainings and consultations together, and that's sadly sometimes more time than I spend with many of my other friends during the week. And though we're of different backgrounds and life stages and personalities, there are some qualities that counseling psychologists share together that make it easy to connect.
And so, I'm sad that I'm not really their equal. That they go out to lunch together while I stay behind. That I'll be leaving this practicum in a few weeks, and will be saying goodbye to them, goodbye to lunches together, goodbye to laughing about weird diets and fashions, goodbye to informal consultations about client frustrations with them.
Maybe it makes today's experience all the more sad because I've been realizing more and more how little things like age and life stages can matter when it comes to adult friendships. I have friends 3-4 years younger than me still in college, friends several years older than working or in graduate school, single friends, married friends, friends who are mothers and fathers. One of my friends calls this an "urban tribe." Why do many churches divide people up into "homogeneous" groups of Young Singles, Young Marrieds etc.? I threw a well-attended party Friday night, a house show in which three of my musician friends played, and it was wonderful to look around see the diverse friends around me. Friends, strangers, college students, grad students, single, married, fathers, pregnant women, two of my pastors, coworkers, neighbors, friends of friends little sisters, mostly White, but also black, Indian, Turkish, people who see me as an authority figure, people who see me as a mentee to shepherd, people who see me as their friend, sister, equal, all eating queso, drinking beer cider, listening to music, having conversation, telling stories, imitating Obama, singing songs. All seemed more equal that night, any normal power differentials (for lack of a better term) seemed to blur as we all enjoyed the music and company.
Our church elders last night spoke about maturity, recognizing that we're a young church, and we need older adults with more life experience and maturity, but also recognizing that age and experience doesn't always equal wisdom and maturity. I'm thankful to be growing into maturity, I'm thankful to have people in my life who are more mature than me in different areas. I have no idea how to wrap up this blog post, it's taken a turn that I didn't expect. This often happens when I'm writing. I have in mind to write one thing, and then discover that it's related to something else, something more important to me than the thing I first set out to write about. Usually I like to connect this back to the beginning, but maybe there's not a need for that.
I'm 24, self-confident, and still experience those moments when I feel like an adult.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thursday, January 31, 2008
my name means "bold"
Yesterday at work, I had to be mean to a friend. Wait, no, scratch that, it's time for some cognitive reframing. Yesterday at work, I had the opportunity to be assertative.
I'm a nice person. Sometimes too nice. I don't have enemies, and I try to keep it that way. I like being liked. It's more important for me to liked than to be right. That's come up a couple of times in classes: how individuals have the need to the liked, and the need to be right. For certain people, and in certain situations, one need will outweigh the other. Well, about 99% of the time, I'd rather be liked than right.
Last semester my officemate at work would frequently comment, "You're too nice. Be careful, someone might take advantage of that." I am a nice person at work. I go out of my way to be helpful - making sure everyone has what they need, staying a little late or coming in a little early to accomodate people, making compromises from time to time. I tend to be more helpful for those I feel are my friends, and who I know would reciprocate the help. For instance, a couple of weeks ago, my officemate was really stressed and not sleeping much, so I scored a test for him that he could have scored for himself. He's been helpful to me and I consider him a friend and I felt a little sorry for him, so I scored the test and left him a "Merry Christmas" note on it. And I truly don't mind coming in early or staying late here and there, because my boss is really kind and lets us off during student holidays, when technically we're only supposed to get off for faculty/staff holidays. He'd told me last semester that he's fine with doing this, as long as I stay "really committed" to this job. I define "really committed" as being willing to go over and above, to stay late when I need to, and to make sure things get done when they're supposed to get done. I also trust my boss, and I know that he's not going to pull the whole, "But I'm letting you have all of spring break off, why can't you do this for me?" card.
But I have wondered what's being helpful and committed, and what's pushing my boundaries. I do worry that there are people who I interact with who will take advantage of my helpfulness, and expect more from me than I can give.
Last week, one student, we'll call her Helga called me just as I was about to go on my lunch break, "Hey, are you going to be around for another 10 or 15 minutes? I need to get into the clinic and get some things ready for my client at 1." Now, I had planned on going to a computer lab to work on some homework during my hour-long lunch break. But Helga's always been nice to me, and we first met last semester outside of school in a social setting. We're not in the same program, but we have some mutual friends. So, not wanting to say no to a "friend," I agreed to stay a little longer. 45 minutes at the computer lab should be enough. Well, I couldn't get the program I needed to work right, so I just used my time in the computer lab to print some articles.
Perhaps not standing up for myself in that situation was a mistake. Perhaps I opened the door for Helga to expect too much from me. Perhaps Helga, who is a more assertive woman than I am, decided that I was someone who could be easily persuaded.
Yesterday, Helga was in our clinic, testing a student. Our clinic closed at 4pm, I had class at 4:30. 4 o'clock, 4:05, 4:10 passed. Helga was still in the room with her client. I knocked on the door. No answer. I grabbed another student who's in Helga's program and knows more about testing that I do (we'll call him Ivan), and we watched on the tv monitor to see when she was done the subtest she was working on. "This is ridiculous. She's from New York," Ivan explained, "Even if she heard you knock, she's not going to answer is she doesn't want to." As soon as she was done with that subtest, I raced back to her room, knocked, and entered. "The clinic closed at 4pm, are you guys wrapping it up?" "Ohhh, I have one more subtest. 10 more minutes, and I'll be done." "No, it's 4:15. I have class at 4:30." "Ohhh, ok, you can go ahead and leave, and we'll be finished soon." "No, I have to stay until the client leaves. I also have to collect and enter your fee slip." "Oh, ok, let me fill out the fee slip, and then you can enter it while I finish. 10 more minutes. Will you go grab her file please?" I brought her the file, she handed me the fee slip, repeated, "10 more minutes," and closed the door.
What was I doing? Suddenly, this wasn't about being late or on time to class. I don't care, my professor would understand. This was about someone being pushy, not listening to me, not caring about the rules, and me just letting it slide. Me being too nice and just letting someone walk over me. I couldn't let this happen. I couldn't be a doormat. So what did I do?
"Ivan! She won't leave!" Ivan and I raced back to the door. Ivan knocked, and stood silently at my side as I spoke with Helga. "Helga, do you have another appointment scheduled with this client?" "Yes, next week." "Ok, you can do this subtest next week at her next appointment. We need to close this clinic." She looked at me, then looked at Ivan. "Ok, we're finished for today." Then, I swear she gave me the death stare. Talking with another classmate about it later, he explained, "The death stare is just her expression. Helga doesn't have an expression except for the death stare." I forgot to ask him if he'd seen Juno. "Your girlfriend gave me the stink eye." "She's not my girlfriend, and that wasn't the stinkeye. That's just her face." I wonder if Helga's house smells like soup.
Death stare or not, I stood up for myself. I was in the right, she was pushing me, and I stood strong. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to stand up for myself without an Ivan. But for now, every little step counts toward something.
I'm a nice person. Sometimes too nice. I don't have enemies, and I try to keep it that way. I like being liked. It's more important for me to liked than to be right. That's come up a couple of times in classes: how individuals have the need to the liked, and the need to be right. For certain people, and in certain situations, one need will outweigh the other. Well, about 99% of the time, I'd rather be liked than right.
Last semester my officemate at work would frequently comment, "You're too nice. Be careful, someone might take advantage of that." I am a nice person at work. I go out of my way to be helpful - making sure everyone has what they need, staying a little late or coming in a little early to accomodate people, making compromises from time to time. I tend to be more helpful for those I feel are my friends, and who I know would reciprocate the help. For instance, a couple of weeks ago, my officemate was really stressed and not sleeping much, so I scored a test for him that he could have scored for himself. He's been helpful to me and I consider him a friend and I felt a little sorry for him, so I scored the test and left him a "Merry Christmas" note on it. And I truly don't mind coming in early or staying late here and there, because my boss is really kind and lets us off during student holidays, when technically we're only supposed to get off for faculty/staff holidays. He'd told me last semester that he's fine with doing this, as long as I stay "really committed" to this job. I define "really committed" as being willing to go over and above, to stay late when I need to, and to make sure things get done when they're supposed to get done. I also trust my boss, and I know that he's not going to pull the whole, "But I'm letting you have all of spring break off, why can't you do this for me?" card.
But I have wondered what's being helpful and committed, and what's pushing my boundaries. I do worry that there are people who I interact with who will take advantage of my helpfulness, and expect more from me than I can give.
Last week, one student, we'll call her Helga called me just as I was about to go on my lunch break, "Hey, are you going to be around for another 10 or 15 minutes? I need to get into the clinic and get some things ready for my client at 1." Now, I had planned on going to a computer lab to work on some homework during my hour-long lunch break. But Helga's always been nice to me, and we first met last semester outside of school in a social setting. We're not in the same program, but we have some mutual friends. So, not wanting to say no to a "friend," I agreed to stay a little longer. 45 minutes at the computer lab should be enough. Well, I couldn't get the program I needed to work right, so I just used my time in the computer lab to print some articles.
Perhaps not standing up for myself in that situation was a mistake. Perhaps I opened the door for Helga to expect too much from me. Perhaps Helga, who is a more assertive woman than I am, decided that I was someone who could be easily persuaded.
Yesterday, Helga was in our clinic, testing a student. Our clinic closed at 4pm, I had class at 4:30. 4 o'clock, 4:05, 4:10 passed. Helga was still in the room with her client. I knocked on the door. No answer. I grabbed another student who's in Helga's program and knows more about testing that I do (we'll call him Ivan), and we watched on the tv monitor to see when she was done the subtest she was working on. "This is ridiculous. She's from New York," Ivan explained, "Even if she heard you knock, she's not going to answer is she doesn't want to." As soon as she was done with that subtest, I raced back to her room, knocked, and entered. "The clinic closed at 4pm, are you guys wrapping it up?" "Ohhh, I have one more subtest. 10 more minutes, and I'll be done." "No, it's 4:15. I have class at 4:30." "Ohhh, ok, you can go ahead and leave, and we'll be finished soon." "No, I have to stay until the client leaves. I also have to collect and enter your fee slip." "Oh, ok, let me fill out the fee slip, and then you can enter it while I finish. 10 more minutes. Will you go grab her file please?" I brought her the file, she handed me the fee slip, repeated, "10 more minutes," and closed the door.
What was I doing? Suddenly, this wasn't about being late or on time to class. I don't care, my professor would understand. This was about someone being pushy, not listening to me, not caring about the rules, and me just letting it slide. Me being too nice and just letting someone walk over me. I couldn't let this happen. I couldn't be a doormat. So what did I do?
"Ivan! She won't leave!" Ivan and I raced back to the door. Ivan knocked, and stood silently at my side as I spoke with Helga. "Helga, do you have another appointment scheduled with this client?" "Yes, next week." "Ok, you can do this subtest next week at her next appointment. We need to close this clinic." She looked at me, then looked at Ivan. "Ok, we're finished for today." Then, I swear she gave me the death stare. Talking with another classmate about it later, he explained, "The death stare is just her expression. Helga doesn't have an expression except for the death stare." I forgot to ask him if he'd seen Juno. "Your girlfriend gave me the stink eye." "She's not my girlfriend, and that wasn't the stinkeye. That's just her face." I wonder if Helga's house smells like soup.
Death stare or not, I stood up for myself. I was in the right, she was pushing me, and I stood strong. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to stand up for myself without an Ivan. But for now, every little step counts toward something.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
blessed
I feel like I've been rather detached from the things that I've been posting lately. Poems written months ago, stories of my past, a fictional tale of a girl across the world - all were written with emotion at one point, but right now they (with the exception of my college station posts) hardly reflect the things I have been feeling or doing.
I've had lots of worries and fears lately. I'm excited about Europe and A&M, but I feel anxious because time seems to be going by too fast for my liking. And when it comes to moving to College Station and starting graduate school, there have been so many unknowns that I've been starting to feel fearful. I think it's just natural (I hope) to worry when things are unknown. Will I like the place I'm living? Will I make friends? Will I find a good church? Will I do well in my classes? Will I like my assistantship? Will the professors like me? Will I have time for myself, or will I constantly be busy? Will I be able to keep up with my friends and family here? Will I get lonely? Because to be honest, I sometimes already find myself feeling lonely. That's probably one of my biggest fears. Being lonely in a new place. Wishing I was somewhere else, with other people, not being able to connect with the new place and people. Not feeling at home. I also fear getting in over my head, the doctoral program being too hard, and me getting burnt out. I pray and I try to trust, but the worry is still there.
Still, the unknowns are starting to slowly become known and God is starting to spare a few dollops of peace. I have decided to live in C's house, at least for the first year. I have my reservations, but I'm starting to get more excited about it. It's likely it'll just be the two of us, which means I'll have a big bathroom to myself, we have a two car garage, and she invited me over to her house for dinner. I imagine that her parents wanted to meet the girl who will be living in the home they just bought, but nonetheless, I take an invitation to someone's home as a very welcoming gesture. We had a good time tonight, her parents are really nice, and I stayed over there for three hours, drinking coffee, discussing decorating (we like the same colors!), who's going to bring what, playing with her golden retriever puppy who will be living with us, and looking at the floorplan. I had told her before about wanting to adopt a cat and she said that it'd be fine, but her dad told me about one caveat - he's allergic to cats but long-haired cats like Maine Coons actually don't bother him that much and he'd like to be able to visit his daughter without feeling miserable. Something about the dandruff that people are allergic to is worse on short-haired cats than long-haired ones (for him at least). I haven't started looking at cats right now, and he could have said, "Do you absolutely have to get a cat?" but instead he said, "Could you try to find a long-haired cat?" which I think is doable. The idea of a big cuddly Maine Coon type cat sounds really wonderful :) As I type that, my precious Russian Blue is rubbing his head under my foot, asking for attention. I wish I could take him, but he is now my mom's cat and she won't part with him. That's ok, I'm sure there is another wonderful cat out there who needs a home and hopefully Rouble will understand and forgive me :)
Ok, I went off on an unexpected cat tangent. Another unknown that has been made known is my graduate assistantship assignment. I've been assigned to assist with the test library in the on campus Counseling and Assessment Center. It doesn't sound terribly exciting, but I think it is an answer to prayers and will be something that I'll enjoy. As much as I'd like a position that I can learn from, I worried about finding myself in an extremely challenging and tiring position, and I regretted that my current job might be the last one that I'm overqualified for. Thinking about it a couple of weeks ago, I remember hoping that I'd find something working with people, since good customer service is my greatest strength in my current job. Reading my supervisor's description of my duties, it sounds like this position has the qualities that I desire -
"The job has several functions. First, you should check out, maintain, and secure psychological tests that are required by our training programs. Students will come to you to check out the tests during your posted hours in the clinic. Second,
you are to inventory the tests and order any tests that we need to order. Finally, the last function is to serve as a receptionist for the CAC-Heaton if clients are being seen. (This duty requires greeting clients, letting the graduate student know they are there, and collecting payment for their testing when they leave.)"
It doesn't sound mentally or physically exhausting (knock on wood), I should be interacting with a variety of people, and I might even learn a thing or two about psychological testing which I could use in the future :)
God is using the external to bring me more peace, and he's also using the internal.
I've been reading Gilead, a wonderful Pulitzer Prize winning novel written as a memoir of a small town preacher diagnosed with a terminal illness, trying to tell his family history to his young son, and reflecting on his impending death and current personal dilemmas. Listening to this book, I've been impressed with this fictional character's knowledge of scripture, and I realized that it's probably been over a year since I've attempted to memorize any scripture. I've chosen Luke's Sermon on the Plain to try to memorize.
I've also been reading Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline, a great book with a chapter devoted to twelve Christian practices that should cultivate spiritual depth - Meditation, Prayer, Fasting, Simplicity, Service, Confession, Worship, etc. I wasn't sure if I should just read it straight through and then select a discipline here and there to further develop or read it slowly and attempt to incorporate what I'm reading into my daily life, but halfway through the first chapter, I'm realizing that this will be a slow read. Which is ok, I want time to put things into practice and really soak in what I'm learning. So now, in addition to just memorizing the Sermon on the Plain, I'm trying to meditate on it to better receive the gift of my Savior's words. The other night, I let my imagination run, and imagined Christ speaking those words to me and his other disciples, picturing his facial expression - a big smile, but with compassionate and understanding eyes that speak to us, "I know what you're going to go through because of me, but someday you'll see that this suffering is a blessing."
"20Looking at his disciples, he said:
"Blessed are you who are poor,
for yours is the kingdom of God.
21Blessed are you who hunger now,
for you will be satisfied.
Blessed are you who weep now,
for you will laugh.
22Blessed are you when men hate you,
when they exclude you and insult you
and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man."
Luke 6
I imagined experiencing each of those emotions as best I could. I don't really know what it is to be poor, but I know hunger, satisfaction, weeping, laugher, and being hated. And I knew - not just head knowledge, but really knew deep inside - that the Son of Man knows all those feelings too and cares about what we experience. And just for that "knowledge," I feel blessed.
I've had lots of worries and fears lately. I'm excited about Europe and A&M, but I feel anxious because time seems to be going by too fast for my liking. And when it comes to moving to College Station and starting graduate school, there have been so many unknowns that I've been starting to feel fearful. I think it's just natural (I hope) to worry when things are unknown. Will I like the place I'm living? Will I make friends? Will I find a good church? Will I do well in my classes? Will I like my assistantship? Will the professors like me? Will I have time for myself, or will I constantly be busy? Will I be able to keep up with my friends and family here? Will I get lonely? Because to be honest, I sometimes already find myself feeling lonely. That's probably one of my biggest fears. Being lonely in a new place. Wishing I was somewhere else, with other people, not being able to connect with the new place and people. Not feeling at home. I also fear getting in over my head, the doctoral program being too hard, and me getting burnt out. I pray and I try to trust, but the worry is still there.
Still, the unknowns are starting to slowly become known and God is starting to spare a few dollops of peace. I have decided to live in C's house, at least for the first year. I have my reservations, but I'm starting to get more excited about it. It's likely it'll just be the two of us, which means I'll have a big bathroom to myself, we have a two car garage, and she invited me over to her house for dinner. I imagine that her parents wanted to meet the girl who will be living in the home they just bought, but nonetheless, I take an invitation to someone's home as a very welcoming gesture. We had a good time tonight, her parents are really nice, and I stayed over there for three hours, drinking coffee, discussing decorating (we like the same colors!), who's going to bring what, playing with her golden retriever puppy who will be living with us, and looking at the floorplan. I had told her before about wanting to adopt a cat and she said that it'd be fine, but her dad told me about one caveat - he's allergic to cats but long-haired cats like Maine Coons actually don't bother him that much and he'd like to be able to visit his daughter without feeling miserable. Something about the dandruff that people are allergic to is worse on short-haired cats than long-haired ones (for him at least). I haven't started looking at cats right now, and he could have said, "Do you absolutely have to get a cat?" but instead he said, "Could you try to find a long-haired cat?" which I think is doable. The idea of a big cuddly Maine Coon type cat sounds really wonderful :) As I type that, my precious Russian Blue is rubbing his head under my foot, asking for attention. I wish I could take him, but he is now my mom's cat and she won't part with him. That's ok, I'm sure there is another wonderful cat out there who needs a home and hopefully Rouble will understand and forgive me :)
Ok, I went off on an unexpected cat tangent. Another unknown that has been made known is my graduate assistantship assignment. I've been assigned to assist with the test library in the on campus Counseling and Assessment Center. It doesn't sound terribly exciting, but I think it is an answer to prayers and will be something that I'll enjoy. As much as I'd like a position that I can learn from, I worried about finding myself in an extremely challenging and tiring position, and I regretted that my current job might be the last one that I'm overqualified for. Thinking about it a couple of weeks ago, I remember hoping that I'd find something working with people, since good customer service is my greatest strength in my current job. Reading my supervisor's description of my duties, it sounds like this position has the qualities that I desire -
"The job has several functions. First, you should check out, maintain, and secure psychological tests that are required by our training programs. Students will come to you to check out the tests during your posted hours in the clinic. Second,
you are to inventory the tests and order any tests that we need to order. Finally, the last function is to serve as a receptionist for the CAC-Heaton if clients are being seen. (This duty requires greeting clients, letting the graduate student know they are there, and collecting payment for their testing when they leave.)"
It doesn't sound mentally or physically exhausting (knock on wood), I should be interacting with a variety of people, and I might even learn a thing or two about psychological testing which I could use in the future :)
God is using the external to bring me more peace, and he's also using the internal.
I've been reading Gilead, a wonderful Pulitzer Prize winning novel written as a memoir of a small town preacher diagnosed with a terminal illness, trying to tell his family history to his young son, and reflecting on his impending death and current personal dilemmas. Listening to this book, I've been impressed with this fictional character's knowledge of scripture, and I realized that it's probably been over a year since I've attempted to memorize any scripture. I've chosen Luke's Sermon on the Plain to try to memorize.
I've also been reading Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline, a great book with a chapter devoted to twelve Christian practices that should cultivate spiritual depth - Meditation, Prayer, Fasting, Simplicity, Service, Confession, Worship, etc. I wasn't sure if I should just read it straight through and then select a discipline here and there to further develop or read it slowly and attempt to incorporate what I'm reading into my daily life, but halfway through the first chapter, I'm realizing that this will be a slow read. Which is ok, I want time to put things into practice and really soak in what I'm learning. So now, in addition to just memorizing the Sermon on the Plain, I'm trying to meditate on it to better receive the gift of my Savior's words. The other night, I let my imagination run, and imagined Christ speaking those words to me and his other disciples, picturing his facial expression - a big smile, but with compassionate and understanding eyes that speak to us, "I know what you're going to go through because of me, but someday you'll see that this suffering is a blessing."
"20Looking at his disciples, he said:
"Blessed are you who are poor,
for yours is the kingdom of God.
21Blessed are you who hunger now,
for you will be satisfied.
Blessed are you who weep now,
for you will laugh.
22Blessed are you when men hate you,
when they exclude you and insult you
and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man."
Luke 6
I imagined experiencing each of those emotions as best I could. I don't really know what it is to be poor, but I know hunger, satisfaction, weeping, laugher, and being hated. And I knew - not just head knowledge, but really knew deep inside - that the Son of Man knows all those feelings too and cares about what we experience. And just for that "knowledge," I feel blessed.
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