applying and interview yet again . . . does this ever end?

There are few tasks that I dislike more that writing "personal statements" or "statements of interest."

"What is your interest in doing a practicum at our site? Include sufficient detail so we may come to know you better and your understanding of how a practicum at our site fits into your future goals. Please limit your response to two pages."

Buh . . . I want to be a better counselor. I need the direct client contact hours to complete this program. Your site is really close, and I'd save money on gas. Most of the other sites aren't taking practicum students until the fall, so you made the short list. Derr . . . crap, that's not two pages yet! Can't I just send you my vita, and we can talk about it at the interview? Better yet, skip the interview, let's just go have coffee and you tell me about what I'll be doing at your practicum site. I'll buy the coffee, k

Yeah, writing these kinds of things really make me want to bang my head against the keyboard and hope something intelligible comes out. Hopefully it's not too bloody. After spending a year at our program's community based counseling center, I'm being set loose to spread my wings and go find my own field practicum site for the spring. Unfortunately, many of the sites that I'd like to apply at are not taking on new students until the fall. So, I'm applying at two sites, and hoping and praying that one of them will take me on as a practicum student. There's the one that I'm completing this application for, and they'll be interviewing people next weekend. Honestly, it's my second choice right now, but given the limited options, I'd gladly take it!

I do have an interview with my first choice practicum site tomorrow afternoon. It was a fairly easy process, I just called the director, she invited me to email my vita and scheduled an interview. I'm pretty excited about the opportunity to interview, but I'm one of three students interviewing for one spot that will be open in the spring. This makes me nervous.

So, brothers and sisters, I'd greatly appreciate your prayers for me during this interview tomorrow, and especially over this whole process. I know that there's a site for me in the spring, and I hope that it's my first choice, but I also trust that God has a plan for me and I've often witnessed that the things that actually play out in my life are often better opportunities that I even imagined.

Our church is currently teaching a series called "Hope and Mission," which is a sufficiently vague enough title for me to avoid attempting to summarize the teaching. It's hard to summarize, because it's touching on so many valuable things, the nature of the gospel, salvation, what we're hoping for, and what our mission in the world should be in light of that. Something that I'm getting from this teaching is remembering that Christ has conquered death, and with that, the only that thing poses any real threat to me (death) has been eliminated, and I am free. There is nothing left to fear, for even death has no lasting sting. Last night, as I heard this message again and sang songs praising God for his salvation and power, I felt a confidence that I should have no fear in this application situation, or in any of the situations that currently frighten me. I can face these things because of who is beside me. I felt a sense of peace, and realized that the worst thing that could happen to me (short of losing a loved one or bodily harm) could happen and I would be ok. This "worst thing" is me somehow losing this program, failing out, being kicked out, etc. That could happen, I could lose this opportunity completely, and I feel peace that even that would be ok because God is here and He loves me.

So, I turn in this application today, I interview tomorrow, and hopefully will have another interview soon. I could flop at these interviews, and not get these placements that I desire, and that would be ok. This spring will hold many new opportunities for me and I embrace them, whatever they may be.

BTW, I say things like "practicum site" and expect everyone to know what I mean. If you're not in the field or not very familiar with my program, practicums are where we get practical, clinical experience assessing and treating clients. Practicums can be completed at a variety of sites, at university counseling centers, in hospitals, in private clinics, wherever you find someone to supervise you and work to do.

awful feels softer

I'm glad you guys enjoyed my last post - thank you so much for the encouragement. The night I wrote it, I stayed up very late, talking online with friends, reading blogs about theology, and discovering a cool site where you can download 10-12 minute guided prayers to listen to on your mp3 player or computer.

That night, I listened to a "Review of the Day" guided prayer before going to bed. As the sacred music played, the soft voice of a British woman asked me to remember the gifts I was given this past day. My mind immediately went to Cara, whom I had called after finding out the bad news about the school earlier that day. The empathy she offered was a gift. I felt grateful and at peace, realizing that if I never experienced heartache and rejection, I would also lose the gift of empathy that my friends and family give to me when I'm hurting. I think that gift is beautiful enough to make enduring the heartache worth it.

Then, I entered my bathroom to get ready for bed. I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. I just stood there grinning for a moment, believing that smile, feeling that everything was going to be good.

After getting ready for bed, I checked my email one last time. There, in my inbox, was an invitation from another school to come visit them in March! I just wanted to laugh at how up and down this process has been. I saw that the email had been sent at 10:30pm, and for a moment I wished that I had checked it earlier before I wrote that long post, pouring out my heartache. But on second thought, I realized how good it was for me to deal with this rejection without the glimor of hope from another school.

For about 12 or 13 hours, I was rejected and without any tangible hope. But God picked me up and gave me that smile. I hope I never forget that hope, that smile, that arrived at 2:30am on the evening of an awful day.

"If life's not beautiful without the pain,Well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again."

Sorry, Modest Mouse, but I don't agree with you. Not this week, anyway.

heartache calls again, dressed in a new suit

I can't remember, but I think it was Cara who said that this whole graduate school application process should be like a dating relationship. Maybe it was Britt or Laura, but whomever said it, I think it was an appropriate metaphor, which I will employ shamelessly in this post. I've put myself out there for several schools, dressed up my assets, in hopes that I can entice them into accepting me. At the same time, as I interview with them, it should go two ways. As they're evaluating me, they should also be wooing me into their program.

Like any dating relationship, rejection is inevitable. I knew it was coming; I just didn't expect it so soon. A couple of weeks ago, a school called me for my first phone interview. You see, this was so early it seemed like really good sign. My undergraduate professors encouraged me that things were looking good. You see, he, this school, was one of my top choices. The moment I went to his website, I felt enticed and excited about being with him. When he called, we seemed to hit it off. I couldn't keep my heart out of it. I started imaging my life with him, even looking up apartments in that town. I knew this was premature, I knew even if he invited me to come see him, there was no guarantee that he would choose me. I awaited his invitation, only to be met with silence. He said he would probably call next Monday, but nothing. (Good Lord, this is all too familiar) Two weeks passed, and I knew that in this case, no news was bad news.

Finally, this morning I emailed the professor I had talked with, to find out my status. The professor promptly replied, informing me that I hadn't made the short list to be invited to the Open House/Interview. While they weren't closing my file and there was a still a possibility of being interviewed, the chances were slim as ten times the number of slots available had applied. My fears were true. I didn't realize how much this school meant to me until I began to feel that I wouldn't be invited. The thought of losing it as a possibility made me want to cling onto it.

Like any heart that's aching, you still hope and dream for the impossible. Maybe that knock on the door is him, returning to you. Maybe the phone will ring, and his name will appear on the screen. Maybe you will bump into one another, in the grocery store, at a friend's wedding, and he will remember what he's missing. But that never happens. This afternoon on my break at work, I saw that I had a call from an unknown number and a message. My heart briefly soared. Maybe, just maybe, I would listen to the message and hear that professors voice, "We made a mistake, we look at your application again, we do want to invite you to come visit!" But instead, I was greeted by my dad's voice, updating me on news from cousins and uncles.

And like any rejection by a potential mate, you begin to wonder if you're still lovable. But as insecure as you may feel and as much as you doubt, you know not to believe lies like that. You know that you are worthy and lovable and that somewhere, is the right one for you. So, today, I will be sad, and maybe again tomorrow, but I will soon awake and look forward to other potential matches. Afterall, I do have a date with another potential in less than three weeks. Will it be magical? Will we be drawn to one another? Will this be it? It's hard to say, but still exciting nonetheless to await my suitors and hope and pray for the best.

It's amazing what a rollar coaster this application process has been and continues to be. One week, I'm stressed and worried that my applications won't make it in alright, and the next week I'm elated to receive two phone interviews. One day I'm relieved and joyous to turn in my final application, and the very next day I'm turned down by one of my top choices. I had no idea how emotional this would be. But I should have known. If it's not a boy, it's this, or a job, or a death, or a friendship, or a fight, or a trip abroad, or an illness, or a child. This is life. My one constant is my Creator and Savior who understands all of this and leads me, despite my fears and doubts and fickleness.

I rejoice as a great weight has lifted from my shoulders

Yesterday, I completed my final graduate school application. This is such a relief, as now I mainly just have to wait, prepare myself for interviews, and pray for wisdom to make my decision by April 15th. It's so strange, in less than three months, I'll be deciding where I'm spending the next four years. Gosh, that sounds familiar! Right now, I can't imagine making a decision like that and I just don't feel ready. But I'm confident that once I visit some of these schools, I'll get more of a feel for what it'd be like going there. Who knows, maybe I'll only get accepted to one place and the decision will be made for me!

For this final application, I had to add a couple of pages to my personal statement. While working on it, it reminded me of what a passion I do have for my chosen career. Here are some excerps from it, for your reading enjoyment:

"My interest in counseling stems from my positive experiences with a counselor during my parents’ divorce. At age thirteen, when most children already feel insecure, I also experienced intense grief and anger. My counselor understood my emotions and taught me about the grieving process that people often go through following a divorce. She encouraged me to focus on the positive aspects of my life. Through her guidance, I found hope and realized my ability to pursue a purpose for my life. Just as my counselor helped me, I wanted to give back by listening to my friends and helping them through their difficult times. In addition, my friends and family always said one of my greatest traits was empathy. Suddenly, I realized the counseling field was an opportunity for me to use the caring side of myself in a professional setting.

I entered college already planning to pursue counseling psychology, but allowed myself opportunities to explore other fields such as medicine and social work. My experience in these fields, however interesting, helped convince me of my original focus. My psychology coursework, volunteer opportunities, and feedback from those close to me have confirmed my original wish to pursue counseling psychology. I want to listen to and guide others through emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually challenging experiences in their lives. I want to gain the skills to identify the sources of my clients’ problems, guide them toward self-awareness, and motivate them to make positive, self-determined changes. My ultimate career goal is to have my own private counseling practice in which I am able to meet the needs of diverse individuals and families. I am thankful to have had many experiences in and outside the classroom that have shaped my goals and taught me about myself, including research, internships, extra-curricular involvement, and study abroad experience . . .

. . . While my interest in research has increased, my true desire has been to work in the service field. Since my sophomore year in college, I have volunteered biweekly at the Warm Place as a group facilitator for a grief-counseling program for children, helping preteens express and process their grief emotions and experiences. As I listen to my co-facilitators and the children I work with pour out their hearts and share their most private emotions, I sometimes find myself feeling their pain. These emotions are often tough, but I do not want to run from them. I want to embrace it and embrace the people because it is a part of who they are, and I desire to understand them. I believe that through this experience, I am learning what it truly means to be human . . .

. . .Even before these experiences, I have desired to reach out and help others in my personal life. As a leader in the Baptist Student Ministries, I was always eager to meet and befriend new students, which led me become a freshmen Bible study leader two years in a row. I felt inclined to make friends with students who others overlooked, those who were shy and unsure of themselves. I believe that everyone has something valuable to offer, and I desired to see these students bloom. . . . In a similar manner, as a counseling psychologist, I will see my job as dealing with the whole person before me. No matter what first impressions my clients give, I will seek out their strengths and challenge them to do the same, as I identify and treat their problems. One reason I have chosen counseling psychology over clinical is its focus on the positive aspects of clients rather than simply their pathologies. . . .

. . . In addition to my involvement with the BSM, another significant undergraduate experience was the five-week study abroad program I attended. My stay in Guanajuato, Mexico was a significant time in my life when I learned to embrace others’ differences. I fell in love with the people of Mexico, their openness, their laid-back attitude, their passions, their smiles, laughter, music, and food. I discovered while visiting a small, poor village in the country that every human being is the same. No matter what we look like or how different our lifestyles are, we still have the same basic needs – to be loved and cared for. Interestingly, I best learned to appreciate diversity from the other American students who were in the program with me. Until this trip, I had never been close to people that were significantly different from me; I had unintentionally surrounded myself with people who looked, thought, and acted like me. In Mexico, I became close to a young gay man, and a young Latina woman from a poor family. For the first time, I listened to the coming out story of a friend, and another friend shared her struggles to balance two distinct cultures. Their views on religion, God, and sex were very different from mine. I discovered that I could completely disagree with someone, but we could still become close and continue to respect one another. Until that trip, I had never met someone that I disagreed with whom I loved and respected so deeply. Since that experience, I have enjoyed befriending others with different backgrounds and ideologies. The openness I learned in Mexico will carry over into my approach as a counseling psychologist, in which I will accept and serve others with a variety of behaviors and beliefs.

I believe I have a spirit of adventure and am willing to try almost anything once. In Mexico, while some of my fellow students picked at the strange food on their plates, I tried anything and everything, including rabbit and cow tongue. If I never try, I will never know what I love and what doors could open. My supervisor at the drug rehabilitation program recognized that I was able to do what she asked without hesitation and was not afraid of making mistakes and learning from them. In my graduate training, I will be willing to try new things, even if I sometimes feel uncomfortable. Experience brings competence. I am enthusiastic about trying new things and adaptable to learn from my mistakes. . . .

. . . I hope to bring my unique personal assets to [your university] and continue its standard of excellence. My strong academic commitment will contribute to the success of your program as I learn, research, and teach. I am an independent self-starter and am able to achieve my goals. My enthusiasm and adaptability will allow me to work in a variety of settings and learn from feedback. My empathic and cooperative personality enables me to connect naturally with others, which will help me during interactions with clients as well as contribute to the friendly environment within your department. Only my fear of failure limits me, which in the past has led me to worry and be indecisive. While I worry more than I should, I do worry less than I used to and believe that I have grown significantly in this area in the past few years. Lately, I have found myself more confident and more likely to try new things even if there is no guarantee for success. I know that I am entering new territory in graduate school and am willing to try new tasks, be flexible, and be open to learning. I look forward to beginning my counseling career and learning more about my passion, and I hope that [your program] will be a part of my exciting future."

it IS my job to wait by the phone

This evening, I received this email from one of the graduate programs I have applied to -

"I am writing on behalf of the admissions committee . . . We have begun the preliminary screening of applications and were pleased to see yours. We are just starting to make initial phone contacts with applicants and would like to talk briefly (approx. 20 min.) with you, to get to know you and answer any questions you may have about our program. Please let me know when would be good times to call you Monday (Jan. 15 th) through Wednesday (Jan. 17th). . . . After we're finished with this initial round of phone interviews, we will create a short list of applicants who will be invited to visit for an Open House get-together on Monday, February 12th."

Wow! This will be my first phone interview - possibly in two days! I'm so excited, because it's a program that I really love. I'm also nervous because I don't know what to expect. I emailed a couple of professors to ask for advice. I'm still floored just to get this email - imagine how I'd feel if I actually receive an acceptance letter? Wow. I already looked up flights and bus rates to go to the open house, which I'm sure is premature, but it's fun to think about anyway :)

Please keep me in your prayers these next few days. I will definitely be on my toes, awaiting that phone call . . .