24 hours: the aftermath

• Screamed, cussed, threw pillows, and slammed doors. Check.
• Called a church friend who saved me from destoying my house by letting me come over to cry on her shoulder and not be alone. Check.
• Called my best friend. Check.
• Texted my best friend because she never checks her messages, and she actually called me back. Check.
• Went to church, cried while singing "I need you Jesus, come to my rescue . . . this world has nothing for me." Check.
• Ran past one of his roommates while going to the bathroom to get tissues. Check.
• Skipped out on my pastor's dating sermon to help same church friend with the kids in the back. Check.
• Went to a departmental meeting, faked being fine, and left as soon as I could. Check.
• Called my mom. Check.
• Drove to another church family's house, and talked with them. Check.
• Drove back to first church family's house to borrow a Francine Rivers book. Check.
• Came home, realized my keys were missing, called every place I'd been that day. Check.
• Went back to church family's house because our pastor was over. Pastor, husband of friend, and I drove to the church where we didn't find my keys. Pastor asked how I was doing and I asked him to pray for me. Check.
• Came home and successfully avoided my roommates. Check.
• Stuffed cards and pictures of him in a drawer. Check.
• Changed my background picture from a picture of us in a field of bluebonnets to an empty field of dandelions. Check.
• Texted best friend and asked her to pray for a good night's sleep for me and for me to feel better in the morning. Check.
• Read scripture from our women's retreat and prayed that I'd believe it. Check.
• Went to sleep fairly easily, but woke up at 3:30 and repeatedly woke up tossing and turning for the rest of the night. Check.
• Woke up feeling numb and started going through the motions of getting ready. Check.
• Coughed up green mucuous in the sink. Check.
• Cried and prayed in the shower. Check.
• Felt nauseous, but made myself breakfast anyway. Check.
• Explained to my roommate that the dog hadn't gotten lose, but I was the reason for the mess in the bathroom yesterday. Check.
• Called my boss to tell him my keys were missing and told him I was having a terrible day. Check.
• Called best friend again crying on the way to work. Check.
• Arrived at work, found substitute key. Check.
• Wrote him an email, asking him a question that maybe will give me more closure. Check.
• Emailed other close girlfriends, explaining situation, and asking for prayers. Check.
• Emailed friends about going to Feist concert next Tuesday in Austin with me since I was going to go with him and his roommate and he kindly still offered to pay for their tickets. Check.
• Wrote a silly but extremely honest blog post about what I've done the past 22 hours. Check.

What can I say? Love's a bitch that needs to be slapped around, though it feels like I'm love's bitch and she's the one giving me a beating. I'm sure these next 24 hours will be better, but please say a prayer for me.

belonging

Happy April Fool's Day! March has past, and I only wrote one blog entry that entire month. I guess spring break was pretty busy, and then things have stayed busy since I've been back at school. I'd like to write about what's been on my mind a lot, the ministry my church is starting with women at a strip club, me looking to buy a house and all of the uncertainty and excitement that goes along with that, my romantic relationship and how that's going, and all the things that my pastor is preaching about dating and what I'm learning through all of this.

But the truth is, I could probably start a post about one of those topics, and wouldn't finish it today. Maybe I'd finish it tomorrow, or maybe it would sit as a draft for weeks and those weeks would turn into months and suddenly it wouldn't seem relevant to post at all. Looking today, I have 6 posts drafts just from the past 4 months. 6 posts that were started, never completed, and all but abandoned. Maybe instead of starting something entirely new, I should resurrect these posts from the past few months. I've chosen the most complete one to breath some life into. It was written January 25th, 2008. This was just a couple of weeks into this spring semester. Here it is:



Belonging

A couple of days ago, I wanted to write about how I was feeling more at home here, and how good that's been. But since then, I've found some more loneliness creeping in. I'll give writing about good things a shot, and maybe I can recapture how I felt two days ago.

When I came to TCU as a freshmen, I dove in headfirst, meeting people, getting involved in organizations, even serving as a welcome-type person for one organization! In some ways I was your typical college freshmen, eager to do anything and everything. In other ways, I was atypical. I was confident in my eagerness, confident that I belonged here and would feel at home, confident that I could hang out with seniors and be accepted. I think because of this confidence, I was frequently mistaken for an upperclassman. I don't really remember feeling insecure that first semester. Another freshmen that year (who is know one of my closest friends) later told me that she was intimidated by me when we first met. "Wow," she thought, "This girl already knows so many people and has so many friends, why would she ever want to be my friend?" Fortunately, her assumption was wrong. Sometime halfway through that semester I realized that despite all the activities I was involved in, despite all of the people I had to hang out with, I didn't have a close friend. Realizing that I was missing this and that the seniors I had been hanging out with would soon be graduating, I started praying for a close friend that I could spend college with. God soon answered that prayer, and that girl who had first been intimidated by me became the friend that I can't imagine spending college without. My second year, I developed close friendships with other young women who I still try to remain close to.

In addition to these close friendships, I also valued all of my other friends and acquaintances at TCU. I've never been one to put myself in a bubble, and I knew lots of people on that small campus, and lots of people knew me. Walking from my dorm to class, I'd probably say "Hi" to at least 5 or 6 people I passed that I knew. One friend walking with me one day was really surprised by this, "Dang!" he exclaimed, "You know everybody here!" For my first three years especially, I loved this atmosphere. I felt right at home and felt a deep sense of belonging to this campus. Perhaps I'm idealizing this time, because I do remember individuals and groups of people that I wanted to feel more at home with, and that I wanted to get to know better, but never did. I did experience rejection during that time, and it hurt, but I always I had friends to fall back on and I never felt like I didn't belong.

When I first arrived at this new campus, with over 45,000 students, I doubted that I ever feel that same sense of belonging. The first few weeks were very strange, walking to work and class from my parking lot and only being met by strange faces. Finally, I'd arrive at work and be greeted by a familiar face. I would often think that I saw someone from TCU. Not close friends, just once of those acquaintances that I always enjoyed saying "Hello," to. On this campus, strangers often say, "Howdy," to one another when they make eye contact. At first I timidly responded if I responded at all, but now I respond with a smile and an enthusiastic, "Howdy!" or "Hello!" It's not the same as seeing a familiar friend, but just making a brief connection with another human is satisfying.



That was January 25th, this is April 1st. I was beginning to feel hopeful, beginning to feel like I could connect with others in this new place, beginning to feel at home. At that point, my friends from church, Travis and Amanda, and just started to invite me to hang out with them more, something they hadn't done at all last semester. I was beginning to feel more included, and meeting more people through my church. January 25th was the night of Travis' birthday party, when I first connected with Andrew, and saw a lot of life in him and wanted to get to know him better. Since that time, we've started dating, I've hung out a lot more with church friends and made lots of friends, mostly through Andrew, but I've also deepened relationships with people in my small group, gotten involved in a ministries that have led to more connection with women in my church, and have gotten to know more 2nd and 3rd years in my program better. Overall, I feel much more myself, much more comfortable, and feel like I belong both in my program and in my church. Even on campus, I see more familiar faces. Last week, there was one day when I saw three people I knew. Three people! This was huge, because usually it was exciting if I saw one person on campus that I knew. And to see three people, at different times, wow!

I'm feeling more at home here, and this is a really good thing. Still though, I spent a lot of Christmas break praying for a good Christian girl friend here. And, surprise! I got Andrew, which is great and wonderful and every day I'm thankful for what we have, but where's that girl friend I was praying for? I've met lots of girls through church, and couple of them I felt like I could really connect with, and maybe something more will happen with one of those friendships. It really does take time. I guess I could be more proactive, ask some of these girls to hang out instead of just waiting to see them at church events. I'm pretty proactive with spending time with families in my small group. Why is it easier to invite myself over to a family's house for dinner than to invite a girl to coffee or lunch? Maybe I'm used to friendships happening more naturally. Maybe I'm slightly prideful and want them to be asking me to do things. Maybe I'm complacent and stay busy and forget that I could use another person in my life. Part of me wonders if I need to a find a good close girlfriend here. I have Andrew, though I've never been one to substitute a boyfriend for friends. I do have lots of friends to hang out with, I'm never bored on the weekends, I have adults that I can turn to for good advice, and I keep in touch with a few of my close girl friends from back home and still turn to them and they rely on me too. Some of these close friends are going to come visit me over the summer, which will be awesome. Who knows. Maybe in three months I'll look back on this post and write a post that begins something like this:

"That was April 1st, this is July 1st. Back then, I felt like I was missing having a good girl friend, now I feel . . . "

march madness and merriment

I was having the hardest time getting out of bed this morning, when I received a text message, "It's snowing right now!" That sure got me out of bed! I put on my glasses, threw on my robe, and ran to open the back door. Unfortunately, I set off the house alarm which awoke my third roommate. Oh well, at least she got to see the snow before crawling back into bed. After disarming the alarm, I stepped outside to watch the flurries. Unbelievable. It was so magical, to watch the snowflakes flying in MARCH! I was jealous of my friends and family yesterday in North Texas who received about two inches of snow. I never thought it would come this far south, but it did! It didn't stick on the ground at all, and after about 10 or 15 minutes it was finished, but I'm thankful to have experienced that moment of incredible weather phenomena.

I'm done with midterms, and tomorrow I drive home to see friends and family for spring break! I'm very excited, though somehow a week doesn't feel long enough for all the dear people that I want to connect with. I fear that some friend or even my mom or dad are going to feel left out. I'm beginning to realize that one of the realities of living away from home, is that when you come home, you inevitably feel stretched thin. It's hard too now that most of my friends are working, I can only see them in the evenings, which limits my time with them even more. Oh well, I promised my mom I'd help her clean up the attic, so I'll have that, and some class projects to keep me busy during the day.

I'm not sure the best way to fulfill my Lenten commitment to not use the internet while I'm at home while I'm home over Spring break. In my home town, I'm racking my brain, but I don't know of any public places that have free wifi. All of the trendy independent coffee shops with free wifi are at least half an hour away, and one of the best ones has recently closed. There's a library near my house that has a computer station. It wouldn't be that big of a deal, but I'm coordinating plans with friends and family over the break, and so far, I've been mostly making those plans over email. I think I'll email all of those people, and let them know that my internet use will be limited, and they should call me if they need to make arrangements with me. This will take a great load off my mind, and allow me to wake up each morning and not feel like I have to use the internet as soon as possible, which is one of those urges that I'm hoping, with God's grace, my Lenten commitment will help me conquer.

You know, the more I think about, I think the freedom I will experience will outweigh the inconvenience of limited internet use this next week. I have a couple of books I started over Christmas break that just maybe I can finish this week. I can wake up, make breakfast for me and my mom, do some reading, help work on the attic, and then spend my evenings out socializing. When I'm done for the evening, I'll watch an episode or two of Will and Grace or Frasier with my mom, and then head to bed because I'm not staying up for hours on the internet. I think this will be a good week. I look forward to it :)

love is simple

I think I've mentioned my church on here a few times, but I don't know if I can emphasize enough what a meaningful experience it has been for me the last few months to connect with community. Last night, in my small group, a family that I've gotten close to shared some really personal things that are going on with them, and asked for our input and prayers. This is the second time in the past month that they've shared about these things, and I know they were really encouraged by our support the last time they shared about it. After some discussion about everything, our leader, Brock, initiated a prayer time for them saying, "I think you guys know based on the response last time you shared, that we all love you."

For the past few months, I've been praying and thinking a lot about how I can love this group of people. I think I've acted loving towards them, treated them in ways that look like love, and really genuinely cared about them and enjoyed them. But when Brock made the statement about us loving them, it all clicked. I really, truly love them, and I let the reality of that state sink in. I've talked to people who are in love, and they can usually recall the exact moment in their relationship when they realized that they were in love with the other person. Last night was my moment for these people. I've been in a relationship with them for the past six months, and last night it all hit me, "I do love them!"

It's hard to describe what that moment felt like. It's as if my soul was welling up inside me, fountains of water gushing out of me, about to burst, then an exhale, and my soul landed inside me, safe and secure and peacefully settled and planted in the knowledge of that love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KR85gYuKwI

(How do I embed youtube videos into my blog? I've tried this before, but no luck.)

bloggen

That's German for "blog" or "blogging" or something.

I don't have anything in particular to say, but I just have the urge to write. Or avoid my statistics homework like the plague. My classes this semester are going really well, except for Statistics, excuse me, "Experimental Design," but it's just a wolf in sheep's clothing. We have a midterm in two weeks and I'm scared. Maybe that fear will motivate me to catch up on my homework.

Life is good. Ok, life is great :) I've had a couple of rough patches and some stressful days, and I'm often really tired at the end of the day, but it's a good kind of tired. The kind of tired when you know that you've accomplished some things and enjoyed yourself and will wake up the next morning ready to go at it again. I see four clients a week, and I'm learning a lot about counseling, and learning a lot about myself. My supervisor is awesome, and he's good at pointing out things about myself. "Therapist, know thyself," someone important or famous or smart said one time. I've been eating more.* I go to yoga classes sometimes, which makes me feel more alive. I focus on my breathing sometimes. I listen to BBC radio sometimes. I listen to great music on Ruckus. I went to see Flogging Molly in Austin a couple of weeks ago, and I think I'm going to a concert with Cara over spring break.

I have a new roommate who's really nice and easy to talk to, and my old roommate and I have gotten to hang out some. Lost is back on television! Other than Lost, I don't really watch much tv, though maybe I'll start watching The Office when it comes back in April and May. Cutting down my internet time has been a wise decision. I don't miss using it when I'm at home, though when I'm at work, it's hard for me to tear myself away from the computer. I've been reading Luke, and thinking more about what Jesus had to say. I've been thinking lately in the metaphors of light and darkness. Basically, things should be out in the light, we should be more honest and open with ourselves and others. There's no place for secrecy, especially not in the church. My church has been really good about encouraging this openness. A few weeks ago, our pastor attacked the statement, "That's just between me and the Lord," saying that it's a lie, there's nothing that's just between us and God. God wants us to confess to others and seek counsel. And I believe it. I want to live my life in the light. I don't want any darkness, any secrets, any shame. I want to be open, honest, genuine, congruent, in the light.

My church has also been talking a lot about marriage, sex, and dating. And we're really listening. Coincidingly, I've started spending some time with a certain young man from church, and we have a date tomorrow. It's good, it's great actually, we're having lots of fun, we like each other, we're getting to know each other, he's being intentional about things, we're being open about it, we're friends with a married couple who we've talked to about it, and we'll see where things go :) It's so early, I guess we've been hanging out for almost a month now, but I feel like so far we're off to a great start. He's really neat, I think you'd really enjoy him. I'm really really excited about this and I feel really good about how things are going. How many times can I say "really" in this paragraph? In addition to this young man, I feel more connected to the people at my church. I've been meeting lots of people my age, and having fun hanging out with them on weekends, and I've been spending more time with some families I know too. I feel more included, I feel supported, and even protected. I don't think I've ever felt protected by a church group before, but I feel safe and secure and I trust them.

I think I'm going to Boston this summer for the APA Convention. I've never been to Boston, and it's APA. It's kinda a big deal, even though I'm not presenting anything, I can learn a lot and meet lots of folks. And next summer, I might go to Costa Rica. That's right, Costa Rica. Last semester, we talked to our faculty about putting together a study abroad program for us. They jumped on the idea, and have submitted a proposal for our department head or dean or someone to approve and possibly get funding. So, if all goes well, we're going to Costa Rica for part of next summer, to take some courses, study Spanish, live with host families . . . it's pretty amazing on many levels. It's pretty rare for graduate programs to offer any type of study abroad program, and this was our cohort's idea, and they listened to us and are working to make it happen.

So yeah, life is good. Life is great! I haven't written as much lately, and I just wanted to update you guys, my friends and readers, and let you know what's new in my world.



*That's an odd statement. Let me explain. I love to eat. I don't have disordered eating, there were just times last semester when I would get busy and stressed and lazy and forget to eat. I lost some weight, but gained it back over Christmas break. Now, I pack my lunchbox full every night and make sure that I have plenty to eat during the day.

lenten season

I've longed recognized my addiction to the internet. More than anything else, I can easily spend hours on the internet, especially late at night. I'll get online, "just to check my email," and the next thing you know, hours have passed, looking at facebook pictures of acquaintances I barely know, reading up about movies on imdb.com, looking up random facts on wikipedia, reading some of my favorite online comics. Often, these are hours when I should be sleeping or studying or anything more productive. Sometimes, the things I do on the internet aren't just wasteful, but are actually harmful to me. Things like looking at an ex-boyfriend's facebook profile when I'm feeling lonely. Other things too, things that aren't good for my mind, soul, or emotions. And the internet never satisfies. I'm always hoping for one more message, one more comment, one more discovery that will be so satisfying, that I can log off and do something else. But even if the internet gives me that, it always leaves me wanting more. I'm never satisfied by the internet like I am reading the Bible, or a good book, or spending time with a good friend, or watching a good movie.

In the past, I've tried to do somethings to address this addiction. Senior year of high school, I gave up AIM for Lent, and two years ago, I gave up Facebook for Lent. I've tried to limit myself, telling myself that I can only go to certain websites one time a day. When my computer battery was newer, I'd sometimes just unplug it, and use the internet until the battery went dead, which was usually within an hour. Lately, I've been thinking about how freeing it would be to not have the internet in my home at all. Spurred on by Ben's post and our comments, I decided to try this for a week - pretend like there's no internet at my home. I can only use the internet at work, or if I go to a coffee shop with free wi-fi. This was a great week. I slept better, read my Bible more, got more studying done, and was late less often. I felt happier and healthier.

With the success of that one week, I've decided to try this again for the season of Lent. Since Ash Wednesday until Easter, I'm giving up using my internet at home. I can check my email and do my thing every weekday at work, and on Saturdays I can go to a coffee shop to study and use the internet. Sunday is the day for breaking the fast, so if I want to use the internet at home on Sunday, then I will. Of course, if I need to use the internet to work on something school related, then I will. I hope to continue blogging at least once a week, and reading your blogs, but if my comments are late or absent, then it's nothing against you and your writing.

I'm really excited about this, more excited about this than any other Lenten fast that I've participated in. I know it'll be challenging, but I already feel more free.

For my other friends who are also participating in Lenten fasts, then I wish you the best and I will send you my prayers.

kitteh pop ups

moar funny pictures

Oh man, so true! Half the time I'm on my computer, my kitty, Gracie, keeps popping up - but usually on my keyboard, not at the monitor. A couple of weeks ago, she hit some key combination which flipped my monitor upside down! I still have no idea what she did, but I got some help and was able to reset it. It was a really bizarre experience.