Tuesday, October 07, 2008

give me your eyes, I need the sunshine

October, where did you come from? I like you and all, but please don't sneak up on me like that again, ok? Cool.

This semester is starting to wear on me a little. I'm busy and I'm doing things that I enjoy and I'm not stressed, but I guess since this weekend, I've had this sense that I'm doing and doing but there's still so much that I'm not doing. I stay busy, but I don't really see where it's going or what I'm truly accomplishing. Like a hamster in that darn wheel, I'm spinning, and spinning. Though not really. I feel like I'm at the optimal level of busyness for me. I'm doing enough that I know I'm productive, but I'm not doing so much that I'm stressed or never rested or never having fun. I rest and relax and have fun and connect with others and do things for myself and that is essential. And this is good for my spirit. But then I remember all of the things that I haven't accomplished yet, and I wonder, what will it take to accomplish those things? I'm afraid that I'll have to speed things up, and start doing more than I want to and then become stressed and sleep-deprived. It's weird, this time it's not a matter of laziness or procrastination that these things haven't been done yet, but just that I don't want to push myself beyond this current level that feels healthy.

It's grad school, right, we should all be stressed and constantly busy and worried about deadlines, right? No, I don't want that life. There are weeks and months that are stressful, but I refuse to take that on all the time. I refuse to believe that I must sacrifice my wellbeing to get another degree. I don't think that it's come to that, but I do fear that it will.

Hrmm, on that note, I'm going to lay in bed and read Anne Lamott and let tomorrow worry about itself.

1 comment:

The Pensive Poet said...

Good philosophy--not sacrificing health and happiness for another degree. I think with balance, like you say, you can have all three.

So glad you like my poem! I posted it specifically with you in mind since you requested a poem. That one just popped into my head today.

Glad you're doing well. I know a bit about the hamster-in-a-wheel feeling, even if I'm not a doctoral student. With school there are often so many hoops to jump through that it's hard to see the big picture. The good news is you're on the track to doing what you love, so there's quite a bit of purpose in each day you live! Lucky you that you know a little bit more of where you're going than most of us. I'd trade you! Then again, the unknown is exciting, if not nerve-racking. Anyway, hang in there, you're doing a beyond fantabulous job, I'm sure. We're all so proud of you! And just like you were talking about our sneaky October, this semester will be over before you know it! It's already half way over. Yikes!

I'm so glad that list made you really happy. It made me really happy, too. : )

Miss you so much and hope we can talk soon! : )