A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to my Simon and Garfunkel CD and thought, "Huh. I've never seen the Graduate. You know, I'm about to graduate - it's an appropriate time to watch it!" So, a couple of days before I graduated, I watched The Graduate. I absolutely loved it. If you haven't seen it, rent it soon! It's certainly not a feel good movie, but it made me feel the awkwardness and sadness and desperation of the characters. It presented some good themes, and I enjoyed the symbolism. Since watching it, I've found myself reimagining scenes and thinking about lines and moments. There's something about it that I just can't shake.
I wasn't expecting to find many commonalities between myself and Dustin Hoffman's character, Benjamin Braddox. I'm not having any affairs with older men (or women). Like I've talked about in the previous post, I have a direction and I'm not just drifting by or floating around in the sea of life. But, one scene that I did connect with was the very first one, when Benjamin is at the graduation party his parents are hosting and some woman (his mother? a friend?) off screen starts going off, "Look, here's Benjamin's college year book. Look at this, his junior year he was Assistant Editor, his senior year he was Editor in Chief, and Captain of the Debate Team . . . " and before she can continue, Benjamin runs upstairs to escape it all. Even when I first watched that scene, I cringed and completely understood why Ben wouldn't want to hear this lady bragging about him.
The day of my graduation, I felt excited and proud of myself, but always felt awkward when someone commented on how many things were around my neck. I loved getting my picture taken with the Chancellor beforehand, but hated the moment myself and a few others stood above the seated sea of purple. With all my peers staring, I just wanted to hide and didn't want to stand out at all. The evening after my graduation, at home, my parents started talking about that moment. "How great that must have felt, staring down at the sea of other graduates." And then they continued, talking about my honors and my GPA, while I just wanted to run up to my room and sit in from of my fishtank and stare at the wall. I didn't run, and I don't have a fishtank, so I just sat and nodded and faked agreement with them.
Later, as I was reflecting on all these feelings, I wondered where they came from. Why do I often feel so uncomfortable hearing praises about myself? While I don't ever desire mediocrity, why do I not want to stand out, and just want to blend in with the crowd? Is it humility? Or insecurity?
On a different note, I find it amusing that Anne Bancroft, who's character is supposed to be old enough to be Benjamin's mother, in real life was only 6 years older than Dustin Hoffman, who was 30 when the film was made.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
starbucks
One thing I love about working at Starbucks is having a connection with fellow partners at other stores. As soon as I whip out my green partner card – BAM, conversation flows. I’m no longer just a customer, I’m a partner, a compadre, a cohort, a companion. We’re equals. It doesn’t matter if we’re young or old, Christian or atheist, gay or straight, partiers or homebodies, educated or not, we’re all similar. We’re all a little crazy, a little friendly, a little caffeinated. Whether we’re in school, working another job, single, married, parenting, we’re here because we want to be here. We may complain, but we actually like what we do.
A few nights ago, I visited another Starbucks that is fast becoming a favorite place to go and work. It’s near school, one of my friends works there, the café is rarely crowded because it has a drivethru, and I’m getting to know many of the baristas, who take good care of me. This particular evening, I started talking to one of the partners about my impending graduation and my plans thereafter. This was the gist of our conversation:
Aaron: I remember my first break from school. It was fun, just working and making money and hanging out.
Me: Yeah.
Aaron: I mean, my friends that have graduated, they’re so gung-ho, you know? And I’m just not ready for that. I could finish, but I don’t want to be gung-ho yet. I’m still young.
Me: Yeah, totally. You’ve got plenty of time.
I stood there, listened, nodded, and verbalized my agreement with him, part of me feeling that my actions were true, I did agree with him, but another part of me feeling like him and I were on two different paths. Am I gung-ho like one of his friends? Graduating at 21, headed to graduate school, on a path, with a plan, with a passion? Maybe that’s the difference. I have a passion, and perhaps he doesn’t. I didn’t ask him if he had a passion or not, but I think that when someone has a passion, they can’t help but be gung-ho about it. But there are certainly plenty of passionless gung-hoers, and perhaps those were the friends he was describing. I know I have friends like that, who have no clue where or why they’re going where they’re headed, but they’re headed there at 90 miles an hour. If I was directionless, without a path, I’d rather be like my friend Aaron. I’d rather do what I like, take my time, not get to competitive about anything, and just try to figure out what I’d really rather be doing. I mean, yes, we are young. Who knows how old Aaron is – 21? 23? 26? It doesn’t matter. He’s not thirty yet, he’s still young. As my stepdad recently remarked, “I don’t even remember 21!” Of course, he was being facetious. He frequently tells college memories and still stays close with his fellow Masters of the Universe (yes, that’s what they called themselves) and they all shared a secret toast with Lone-Star beer at a tent at his wedding. But despite keeping those memories alive, he is a very different person than he was thirty years ago. Which makes me wonder – am I too gung-ho for a 21 year old? I somewhat envy Aaron. All he has to worry about is paying rent. Ok, that’s probably me being facetious now, but I don’t care.
I look back at myself as a freshmen in college, just three years ago, and wonder what I was thinking. I’m sure that at age 24, I’ll look back at my 21 year old self and wonder the same thing. But I don’t think there’s an age where we suddenly arrive and have all the wisdom we’re ever going to need. We’ll always (hopefully) be growing and changing. My roommate told me that even her grandmother feels that way. She remarked, “I remember when I was first a grandmother. Man, I didn’t have a clue what to do!” Somehow that’s comforting. None of us ever have a clue. And that’s ok. Especially if I keep trusting the One who holds the big picture. He’s given me a flashlight, with just enough light to illuminate a foot or two in front of me. Just enough direction and guidance to take that next step, though the path beyond each step stays dark. I can handle the darkness without fear, as long as I stay fixed on the light.
A few nights ago, I visited another Starbucks that is fast becoming a favorite place to go and work. It’s near school, one of my friends works there, the café is rarely crowded because it has a drivethru, and I’m getting to know many of the baristas, who take good care of me. This particular evening, I started talking to one of the partners about my impending graduation and my plans thereafter. This was the gist of our conversation:
Aaron: I remember my first break from school. It was fun, just working and making money and hanging out.
Me: Yeah.
Aaron: I mean, my friends that have graduated, they’re so gung-ho, you know? And I’m just not ready for that. I could finish, but I don’t want to be gung-ho yet. I’m still young.
Me: Yeah, totally. You’ve got plenty of time.
I stood there, listened, nodded, and verbalized my agreement with him, part of me feeling that my actions were true, I did agree with him, but another part of me feeling like him and I were on two different paths. Am I gung-ho like one of his friends? Graduating at 21, headed to graduate school, on a path, with a plan, with a passion? Maybe that’s the difference. I have a passion, and perhaps he doesn’t. I didn’t ask him if he had a passion or not, but I think that when someone has a passion, they can’t help but be gung-ho about it. But there are certainly plenty of passionless gung-hoers, and perhaps those were the friends he was describing. I know I have friends like that, who have no clue where or why they’re going where they’re headed, but they’re headed there at 90 miles an hour. If I was directionless, without a path, I’d rather be like my friend Aaron. I’d rather do what I like, take my time, not get to competitive about anything, and just try to figure out what I’d really rather be doing. I mean, yes, we are young. Who knows how old Aaron is – 21? 23? 26? It doesn’t matter. He’s not thirty yet, he’s still young. As my stepdad recently remarked, “I don’t even remember 21!” Of course, he was being facetious. He frequently tells college memories and still stays close with his fellow Masters of the Universe (yes, that’s what they called themselves) and they all shared a secret toast with Lone-Star beer at a tent at his wedding. But despite keeping those memories alive, he is a very different person than he was thirty years ago. Which makes me wonder – am I too gung-ho for a 21 year old? I somewhat envy Aaron. All he has to worry about is paying rent. Ok, that’s probably me being facetious now, but I don’t care.
I look back at myself as a freshmen in college, just three years ago, and wonder what I was thinking. I’m sure that at age 24, I’ll look back at my 21 year old self and wonder the same thing. But I don’t think there’s an age where we suddenly arrive and have all the wisdom we’re ever going to need. We’ll always (hopefully) be growing and changing. My roommate told me that even her grandmother feels that way. She remarked, “I remember when I was first a grandmother. Man, I didn’t have a clue what to do!” Somehow that’s comforting. None of us ever have a clue. And that’s ok. Especially if I keep trusting the One who holds the big picture. He’s given me a flashlight, with just enough light to illuminate a foot or two in front of me. Just enough direction and guidance to take that next step, though the path beyond each step stays dark. I can handle the darkness without fear, as long as I stay fixed on the light.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
bleeeeeeh
I only slept about four hours last night, because I have to revise my term paper, lead a Bible study, and cook Guatemalan food before 11am this morning. Boo! - not to the Bible study or the good food, but to the lack of sleep and having so much to do! But I'll hopefully catch a nap this afternoon and . . . in about a week I'll be done with my undergraduate course work :)
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Why the heck not?
Thank you friends, for your suggestions on which poems to submit to the literary journal! I pretty much submitted all your suggestions, 6 poems in all. I was only intending to submit 2 or 3, but at the last minute I decided, “Why not?” I submitted Karma and Not in the Stars because they are two of my favorites, and Dead to the World because it’s so emotional and raw, and The Worst Mistake He Ever Made and 1 am because you guys like them, and Frontier Unknown because it was what started this all and it’s a dedication to a dear friend of mine. It’s been a couple of weeks, but I haven’t anything from them, so I don’t even know if they were received. I’m not too concerned, I’m just happy that I’ve tried because a couple of years ago I never would have done something like this.
Lately, I’ve been living by that “why not?” sort of attitude. You know that cliché, “If you don’t ask, the answer is automatically ‘No.’”? Well, I’ve always had a tendency to make up people’s mind for them. “No, that professor wouldn’t want to do this for me – I’d be bothering him/her.” “No, that friend wouldn’t want to come to church with my tomorrow, I’m sure he/she has better things to do.” I’m now trying to reverse that habit. I’ve started inviting friends to more things, whether or not I think they’d want to come. In the midst of graduate school applications and my honors project, I’ve started asking more professors for help. I suppose this is helping me put aside some fear of rejection and pride that I hold onto. And you know what? That friend did come to church with me. Those other friends did come hang out at the farm with me. And all those professors? Every single one of them offered to help me! I wound up having to tell them no! This is so encouraging, and I feel like God is just exceeding my expectations. I’ve spent a lot of this semester stressed and discouraged, but now I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel
No new poetry, sadly. I don’t know when inspiration will strike me again, so I’ve decided to keep this blog alive by broadening its purpose and writing other things on here – even if it’s just an update about my life. Xanga is dying, but I refuse to give up on it just yet, so I’ll probably start double-posting.
If you don’t already know, I’ll be graduating this December and have the semester off and just work full-time until I begin graduate studies in the fall. I’ve kept saying that I want to travel during this 8 month hiatus from school. Well, my traveling adventures for next spring and summer have officially begun – I booked a flight to New Orleans! My friend from there invited myself and another friend to join him for Jazzfest in April. I’m excited; I’ve never been to this city, and we’ll have a fantastic tour guide and be able to stay with his family – who will even take us out for nice dinners! This is the way to travel Then, this afternoon I spent a little bit of time with my dad and mentioned how I wanted to go to Europe this summer, and he was very supportive. He said he would help me out financially (let’s just hope he doesn’t let me down) and agreed that I should take advantage of this time off, since in graduate school I won’t have anymore summer breaks. My plans are becoming reality!
Lately, I’ve been living by that “why not?” sort of attitude. You know that cliché, “If you don’t ask, the answer is automatically ‘No.’”? Well, I’ve always had a tendency to make up people’s mind for them. “No, that professor wouldn’t want to do this for me – I’d be bothering him/her.” “No, that friend wouldn’t want to come to church with my tomorrow, I’m sure he/she has better things to do.” I’m now trying to reverse that habit. I’ve started inviting friends to more things, whether or not I think they’d want to come. In the midst of graduate school applications and my honors project, I’ve started asking more professors for help. I suppose this is helping me put aside some fear of rejection and pride that I hold onto. And you know what? That friend did come to church with me. Those other friends did come hang out at the farm with me. And all those professors? Every single one of them offered to help me! I wound up having to tell them no! This is so encouraging, and I feel like God is just exceeding my expectations. I’ve spent a lot of this semester stressed and discouraged, but now I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel
No new poetry, sadly. I don’t know when inspiration will strike me again, so I’ve decided to keep this blog alive by broadening its purpose and writing other things on here – even if it’s just an update about my life. Xanga is dying, but I refuse to give up on it just yet, so I’ll probably start double-posting.
If you don’t already know, I’ll be graduating this December and have the semester off and just work full-time until I begin graduate studies in the fall. I’ve kept saying that I want to travel during this 8 month hiatus from school. Well, my traveling adventures for next spring and summer have officially begun – I booked a flight to New Orleans! My friend from there invited myself and another friend to join him for Jazzfest in April. I’m excited; I’ve never been to this city, and we’ll have a fantastic tour guide and be able to stay with his family – who will even take us out for nice dinners! This is the way to travel Then, this afternoon I spent a little bit of time with my dad and mentioned how I wanted to go to Europe this summer, and he was very supportive. He said he would help me out financially (let’s just hope he doesn’t let me down) and agreed that I should take advantage of this time off, since in graduate school I won’t have anymore summer breaks. My plans are becoming reality!
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Literary Journal
This semester I've been extremely busy with school, and as a result, I haven't had much time for writing. Hopefully I will be graduating in December - if I can finish my honors project in time. Right now, I've been focusing on grad school applications. I wish I could hire an administrative assistant to handle all this paperwork.
When I began writing these poems not quite six months ago, I originally intended for them to therapeutic, private matters, which I published on a semi-anonymous blog just to put them out there somewhere. Starting this blog has involved me a little bit in a community of writers and I've enjoyed it immensely. In recent months, I've even begin sharing my work with friends and family outside of this blog. Surprisingly, people like it. This private endeavor is becoming more and more public. Yesterday, a poster advertising our school's literary magazine caught my eye. I thought it would be fun to submit a couple of poems and see what happens.
So, friends, I'm in need of your input. Which poems (if any) do you think I should submit? The submission deadline is midnight, this upcoming friday. Leave a comment, and let me know any feedback you have. Thank you so much!
When I began writing these poems not quite six months ago, I originally intended for them to therapeutic, private matters, which I published on a semi-anonymous blog just to put them out there somewhere. Starting this blog has involved me a little bit in a community of writers and I've enjoyed it immensely. In recent months, I've even begin sharing my work with friends and family outside of this blog. Surprisingly, people like it. This private endeavor is becoming more and more public. Yesterday, a poster advertising our school's literary magazine caught my eye. I thought it would be fun to submit a couple of poems and see what happens.
So, friends, I'm in need of your input. Which poems (if any) do you think I should submit? The submission deadline is midnight, this upcoming friday. Leave a comment, and let me know any feedback you have. Thank you so much!
Little Slips of Paper
It’s those little slips of paper
That break your damn heart –
Reminders of what once was
And will never be again.
A post-it with a phone number
And a dead grandmother’s name
Reminding you to wish her a happy birthday.
Did you call her that day?
Screw it, she’s gone.
A small white sheet
Neatly folded, again and again
With lyrics to the Mexican birthday song you sang to him
From miles away –
Your heart bursting with longing and desire.
Was his cold as he listened to you?
Fuck it, it’s over.
That break your damn heart –
Reminders of what once was
And will never be again.
A post-it with a phone number
And a dead grandmother’s name
Reminding you to wish her a happy birthday.
Did you call her that day?
Screw it, she’s gone.
A small white sheet
Neatly folded, again and again
With lyrics to the Mexican birthday song you sang to him
From miles away –
Your heart bursting with longing and desire.
Was his cold as he listened to you?
Fuck it, it’s over.
Her Black Hairs
Her black hairs
stick to everything
Reminders of the woman
He will never escape
And all the risks
He’d never take
For fear of disapproval.
Her black hairs
Must be pried away
Day by day
But still they stay
Frowning, laughing, smiling.
One day, when she’s gone
The black hairs will make him cry
And he will gather them up
With loving care
And burn them all away.
stick to everything
Reminders of the woman
He will never escape
And all the risks
He’d never take
For fear of disapproval.
Her black hairs
Must be pried away
Day by day
But still they stay
Frowning, laughing, smiling.
One day, when she’s gone
The black hairs will make him cry
And he will gather them up
With loving care
And burn them all away.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
