Yesterday, I found myself attacked by jealousy. Attacked probably isn't the right word at all, as I don't think of jealousy as some external enemy that preys on us. I think of jealousy as something that each of us hold within us, something that we must fight within ourselves with love and contentment. It's so crazy to feel such an irrational jealousy rising up toward one of my closest friends. Feelings such as that remind me that as nice as I am to others, as much as I want to make others happy, I'm really rather selfish deep down and usually want my happiness over others. I'm not a Calvinist, but I sorta do believe in the total depravity of man. I don't agree with Anne Frank, I don't think people are all good at heart. I think just about everyone wants to do good, but I think the natural tendency is self-satisfaction over sacrifice and love for others. Whatever the natural state of man, I hate these feelings of jealousy and selfishness and possession within me.
Yesterday I felt jealous, but today I don't. How did I fight this jealousy? I employed love, reminding myself that I loved the friend I was jealous of, and that I shouldn't feel a sense of competition with her. I prayed, remembering the cross, remembering the one who humbled himself, and asked for the jealousy to be taken away, and asked for His humility and love. I used reason, and told myself that in this case, there was no logical reason to feel jealous, that she didn't even have what I wanted, that I was being irrational and emotional. I tried contentment, I remembered my blessings and was thankful for all the wonderful things in my life and for the place that I'm in. And today, I feel content and I feel at peace. Mostly.
I hate that this isn't the first time that I've felt jealous of this friend. I hate that when I'm around her, I often compare myself to her and feel that she's my competitor. I hate that I let her little comments against my appearance or abilities get to me so much. I know she loves me as I love her and I know that she doesn't mean any harm. It's all playful jest, but it still hurts me. It doesn't hurt me in the typical way, I don't want to run and cry, it makes me want to stand up and prove myself. Prove that I am beautiful, successful, smart, and all that. But why do I feel like I should prove anything to a friend? It's not her, it's me. But maybe it's not. I don't feel this way around other friends. I feel unconditionally loved and accepted with all of you, and I have nothing to prove and nothing to hide. Maybe it is her. Maybe I either need to suck it up and try not to worry about proving myself, or maybe I need to talk to her about it. I have no clue how to start a conversation like that. It scares the shit out of me.