1 am

“I don’t know you anymore.”
A broken bottle falls to the floor
Filled with the promises you can’t keep.
At the sight of it, I weep.
As the tears fill my eyes
I slowly realize
Who you are
And who I am not.

I am not your beloved,
Nor am I responsible for your joy.

With a towel in hand, I sink
And wipe away the last links.
I stand and walk from the pain
Trying hard not to notice the stain.



A few nights ago, around 1 am, I had just laid down (lain down?) to sleep when I wrote the first stanza in my head. I had to get up out of bed and find a pencil and scratch of paper to write it down on, and then I started writing more. I've since started keeping a pencil or pen on my nightstand :)

Karma - It always comes full circle

It's some kind of karma, I suppose
You reap whatever it is you sow.
If you break someone's heart,
Yours will someday be torn apart.

And if your heart is maimed,
No matter how great the pain
Or the promises you make,
Inevitably, someone's joy you will take.

Inexperienced love is a loaded gun
In the hands of young souls.

Familiar Sadness

Strange how it’s a relief
To be sad about this again.
New grief can be frightening,
With no end in sight.

But this familiar sadness,
That comfortably drapes around my shoulders,
Heavy, but soft,
Will leave in a few days
After it has outworn its welcome.

The friends that remove my masks – how I love them! Her open sincerity demands that I return the same. My pretensions simply fall in her presence. There’s no hiding of emotions. As scary as it can be to stand naked before someone, before myself, I need it. To learn, to grow, to transform, to morph, I must understand who I am today. Exhausting, but necessary. You need not do much, but just be you to allow me to be me.

Lost

I wanted you to need me.
Oh, to be rare and treasured,
Absolutely indispensable,
Needed.

Needed by one who is lost.

I thought I wanted the best for you.
I said I would rejoice when your life was grand.

And now your life is great –
Without me.
I am not indispensable.

Really, actually,
I guess I wanted you to stay sad.

How cruel and distorted.
Why would I want misery for a friend?
To be needed.

I thought I mean(t) something to you.

Possession is an ugly thing that festers in my flesh.
How do I gouge it out?

Am I the one who is lost?

Not in the Stars

I saw you the other day
You’d chopped off your hair
Once again, you look as you did
When I thought the world of you

I remember those days
When I wished you wouldn’t go
I kissed your cheek
And hoped you’d let me in

But love was not in the stars
Even as we gazed through your telescope
Standing on your roof top
The romantic’s dream setting

My memories are still fond
Untainted by pain or betrayal
Flying kites, dancing free
Dressing as laughing pirates

Why did you never tell me
Of the hurt you were hiding?
Did you fear disappointing
And losing a friend?

I hope you share with her
Like you never did with us
I hope she understands
In ways that none of us could

But our friendship is pure
As we laugh in each other’s eyes
You are still special
And always will be

Summertime

Some days, crackers and cheese are all I need
On a little plate from which I can feed.
I’ll take my time with no one to mind.
When I’m done, who knows what I may find!

I could love you if you would let me

If I could love you in spite of the wreck of a person you are,
with all the lies you believe about yourself,
with all the anger you have for the world,
Should I?

If I could let you into my life, knowing the mess you would create,
Should I?

If I could accept you as you are, never judging, always loving, despite your sea of faults and shortcomings,
Should I?

If I could love you and take you in, with all the baggage you drag along,
Should I?

Am I playing God? Wishing I could bring you hope and love and peace? Am I just being a friend? Reaching out . . .



When does selflessness become folly?






Note: The "you" in this writing isn't anyone in particular, but I wrote this about a number of people who have been in my life.

Frontier Unknown

Eleven months of waiting
A year of anticipating
And the marathon was over in a flash
Like it was just the 100 yard dash

I put on your veil
Honored you asked me to
She prayed over you
You couldn’t stop smiling
As you came down
On your father’s arm
And we wouldn’t want you to

I thought I would cry
As you said your vows of love
But I watched your veil dance
As if it would fly away
Does love truly make you fly?
Good thing she pinned it so
Perhaps it would have flown
And taken you along to places unknown
Perhaps it still will

You leapt in with a kiss
Your feet leaving the ground
But his arms keeping you close
For he is your lighthouse

You hugged your loved ones
I gave some words
That made you and I both cry
Which I didn’t mean to do
But it is true
I am grateful for this gift

We sent you off with smiles
And waves and airborne soap
Now I sit on the couch
With feet stained red
Trying to comprehend all I have seen
Despite the eloquence I gave
I could pour out words all night long
And still not really know what happened
Only morning will bring understanding
As the depth and weight of these moments
Burrow themselves into my heart

Funny how he said the same
A husband he wouldn’t feel
Until morning came
With you beside him
He will awake forevermore

To me, love is a great frontier unknown
But for you, it is a safe haven of home
Twenty-one years of waiting
And you have found home

a single step

I recently have started making some poetry attempts. They're not the greatest, but writing is a good way that I can process my experiences and feelings and thoughts. I posted some on my xanga, but the poetry was beginning to get more emotional. The last thing I want is for my xanga to become another emo-ridden site full of angst and lameness.

So, my xanga will go back to normal, and this site will become my outlet for poetry-type things. Like I said, this isn't literary genius, but I try. Whether or not they're good, I've put myself into them.