heaven and hell on earth

"I have this theory of convergence, that good things always happen with bad things. I know you have to deal with them at the same time, but I just don't know why they have to happen at the same time." - Diane Court, Say Anything

There's a lot that I relate to Diane Court about - feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable when praise is heaped upon me, feeling insecure and fragile despite my successes. She's the girl that has so much going for her, so much success, seemingly has it all together, but is human, and frail, and weak, and scared, and needy sometimes.

And these past couple of months, I've related a lot to this quote of hers, to the feeling that good things and bad things must happen together. I don't know if I fully believe in her convergence theory as the way that life is, but lately, it seems rather accurate. Some things in my life are really shitty, and some things are amazingly good. Things are either growing and blossoming in exciting directions or falling deeper into a dark pit, and even the stagnant things are pulsating and aching to go in one direction or another. There has always been good and bad things coexisting in my life, but never can I remember them being so extreme. The good is heavenly, and the bad feels like hell. Maybe that's a little dramatic, but sometimes it feels that way.

Still, I'm surviving every day, and some days even thriving. Through both the good and the bad, I know that I'm growing more and more into the person that I'm made to be. Opportunities to develop professionally also turn into opportunities to develop personally and opportunities develop personally and spiritual turn into opportunities to develop professionally, and there becomes more and more of an overlap between who I am as a student and counselor and who I am as a friend, daughter, girlfriend, roommate, sister, as all of these roles fold into one another, creating the one entity that is me.

"Am I just babbling? Do you know what I mean?" - Diane Court. This could sound vague, but I just don't know how to write about the good or the bad specifically, which is maybe why I haven't written much this year so far.

At the beginning of the year, I dedicated this verse to my 2009, Isaiah 42:16 -

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them."

I had a sense on January 1st that I would be embarking on unfamiliar paths this upcoming year, but really didn't know what was right about the bend. I'm experiencing good and bad experiences that are rather unknown, and in ways, unlike anything that I've experienced before. I can say, "This is sorta like x," but no, this is x to the extreme, so much so, that it's not even x anymore, it's z or something. So far, 2009 is the year of extremes, the year of change, the year of utter pain and incredible joy like I've never experienced yet.